Incomplete Feelings… completed

You’d think I’d recently become a stay at home mom with this feeling I keep getting of needing to be doing a job I get paid for.  Lately, it seems like just about every time I have a moment to sit and relax, I feel like I should be going to work on a task I have yet to determine.  It’s not housework, not checking Facebook, email or blogs, not parenting related, not doing the bills and not a 9-5 someone-else-is-my-boss kind of job…  more like a work in my free time, I am my own boss and it’s a “job” I like.
I keep having this incomplete thought like “oh, this would be a good time to work on….” and it never gets completed.
I’ve never had these feelings before.  I usually revel in any quiet, alone time moments and enjoy mindless tv watching guiltfree, putting my feet up to enjoy a coffee in peace or sitting outside to watch nature.  My mind doesn’t go blank, but I sure never had this feeling like there was something else I should/could be doing… at that particular moment anyway.
But lately, maybe for about the last 2 months or so, I get this nagging feeling.  It’s so strong, I could actually get up off the couch, but then not know where to go.  What the?

It’s like I’m getting a glimpse of my future.  The future when I FINALLY figure out that something I can do in my free time to make some money, but something I enjoy that involves my artistic side… not medical transcription or those other work-from-home jobs on computers that you ultimately have some sort of “boss” to report to.

I’ve tried writing a book… dipping my toes in the water of becoming a novelist.  Nope, not happening.

I’ve tried to paint original works of art on canvas (like to start an Etsy page for).  I couldn’t even get one completed (it’s still on an easel in my bedroom) and thought I should at least have half a dozen ready to go before attempting to sell.  And if I complete something I really like, I want to keep it.  I couldn’t even figure out what name to use or what my logo might look like.

I’ve tried crafts (specifically with pinecones) and for all the labor and cost of shipping, nope, there’s no money in that for the effort.

Sometimes I think I’d make a great freelance editor, but I don’t have the qualifications.  I’m great at spotting what is incorrect or could be worded better in everyone else’s work, but I fail when it comes to following (or realizing) proper grammar (though I’m better than I used to be… I think).  I’ve been editing my hubby’s work or home business emails, things for my mom, and even edited an entire book a friend of mine published (without an editor), but that was unsolicited and of course, unpaid.

I’ve had plenty of experience selling items on craigslist or Facebook groups, but that is always temporary as I don’t always have something to sell.  Plus, there is the hassle of setting up meeting places/times and risking no-shows or dealing with crazy people. Most of those sales just mean I finally have cash in my wallet… not really an income large enough to bother to deposit to pay bills with.

Inspired by the oohs and ahhs my husband’s Tupperware lunches of dinner leftovers from his jealous co-workers, I thought about creating a lunch service where I just make some extra of whatever we have for dinner to create some ready-to-eat lunches for his co-workers at maybe $5 a pop.  They would totally go for it, but when you think about it as a business, I’m sure I’d be breaking some health code by using my at home kitchen and having my 4-year-old playing on her tablet on the same island I’m prepping the food I’m selling.  I’m sure I’d be breaking about 20 laws, even if I did report it all to Uncle Sam.  And then there’s the fact that I don’t actually enjoy cooking.

So what is this magical money making I-am-my-own-boss work-from-home job I long to do???

I wish I knew.  I really do.

Or maybe I do know…

I’ve been told I should restore painted items as a business.  I’ve repainted my own wooden outside door decorations (as the southern sun is evil and fades everything).  Last Christmas my mom sent me this sign that had been battered by the outside elements for YEARS.  Some of the picture was unidentifiable, so I had to use creative license.  I had to sand it so the surface would be flat, but when I did, it took off the existing paint.  But I thought ahead and took detailed pictures of what you could see prior to sanding/repainting it.
Since it was for my mom, she didn’t care if it was slightly different from the original.  Really, I just tried to fill in and enhance the existing painting.  But when your mom is your “client”, you really can’t go wrong.

But what if I did this for complete strangers?  Their standards would be higher.  What if they don’t like what I do?  What if, although I put on 2-3 layers of sealant, the sun still fades it in a couple years (which can be expected)… will they come after me for a refund?
I also only use acrylic paint.  That might not work on various materials.  Would people even want this service?  Most would just trash the décor and buy something new instead.   If it’s a $5 item, they can’t justify paying me $10 to fix it up when they can buy new for cheaper and $10 might not be worth my time, effort and supplies to fix it.  See the issue?
And would my artistic skills be good enough?  I have doubts there too.  But I’ve always been really good at copying.  I am a copycat artist.  What (legal) good is that for unless to make what already was nice again?

I feel like I could be like a Joanna Gaines (from HGTV’s ‘Fixer Upper’) type, but way, way, way, WAY scaled back… no fame, no cameras, no multi-businesses…  just how I assume it was when she started as a “nobody”.  Just 1 client at a time, utilizing her creative and design talents in her spare time.  But I’m not a designer, so not exactly like that, but utilizing my own talents for artistic restoration/reproduction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~24 HOURS LATER~~~~~~~~~~~~

Artist are their own worst critics, right?  While searching my before & after photos of the work I’ve already done, my son’s friends were here and noticed the pictures and took interest.  They were impressed at the work I’d done (and these are 8, 10 & 11-year-olds).
I got past all the worries, thought of a name and created a business page on Facebook!!!
I stayed up until 2 am designing my cover page and profile picture & filling out all appropriate info.
And now I’m thinking about starting a blog about it so I can document each piece I work on.

My next step is sharing my page info on my closed neighborhood fb page and offer up free (or reduced price if it’s a detailed job) restoration so I can get some more before & after pictures for my page.

So I did it… I’m starting my side business.  This is NOT where I saw this blog going.  I guess I needed to write it out to make it known what I was supposed to do.

The Keto Train Chugs On

So my last post was rather a bummer, but I wanted to be honest and needed to vent.  It actually ended up getting worse (the tunnel gets darker before the light).  Not being full fat Keto (see here why) just messed with my brain.
After writing my last post (Monday), my obsession switched from having a PB&J sandwich to making homemade cookies.
I dealt with this for a couple of days.
By Wednesday evening, after my perfectly Keto day, I just got up (at 7:30 pm mind you – a time the kitchen is supposed to be “closed” during my intermittent fasting window) and made mint chocolate chip cookies.
My kids were totally thrilled.  I even got assistance making them from my 11-year-old son.
Did I eat any?  Hell yeah.
That night I must have had at least 6 cookies.
I was already on the fence if my cookie enjoying would go on the next day.
After waiting for my fasting window to be over (didn’t quite get to 16 hrs… it was 15.25, my lowest amount in a LONG time), I made and ate a Keto breakfast.  But within an hour, those cookies called to me.
Same thing happened on Friday.  But Friday is when it hit me…
I’VE BEEN FEELING BETTER!
Why is it that when you’re sick, you really are aware of it and can’t wait to be well.  But when you feel better, you totally take it for granted and it takes a few hours or days for you to realize oh – I’m well again!
Well that’s what happened to me.  I’d started taking selenium, magnesium, zinc and copper in an effort to help out my thyroid which seems to have malfunctioned due to the high amounts of fat I was eating daily.  It took about 4 days, but by golly, I DID feel better.
The fog had lifted… I felt hopeful again, the moodiness and crabbiness seemed to have subsided.  So that means I may have been correct with my self-diagnosis of hypothyroidism after all.
So that day I had a little conversation with myself.
If these meds are making me feel better (dare I say normal), then maybe I can start losing weight again (hoping they undo that side effect of “increased difficulty losing weight”)… HOWEVER how can that happen unless I stop having cookies and go back to 100% Keto???  Duh.

So that was it.  Saturday came and I refused to have cookies.  I had to break this new habit/addiction.  I knew if I got a few Keto meals and days under my belt, those cravings would subside.
Man, Saturday was HARD.  Like REALLY, REALLY HARD.
I haven’t fought against naughty food desires like that in a LONG time.
But I made it through and Sunday came.  Sunday had its share of bad thoughts, but nowhere near the toughness of Saturday.
By Monday things were looking up.  Again, those panging thoughts of cookies seemed lessened.  The scale was also being nice(r) again.
It’s now Wednesday and I realized first thing this morning that I just made it through Tuesday (which was a VERY long day after I only got 2.5 hours of sleep thanks to my baby, my brain and my hubby’s on-call phone).  I didn’t have one single “naughty thought” yesterday!  Whew.
Made it through the tunnel.
The pull of sugar is NO JOKE.  It really, truly is a drug.

So I finally got fully on track, mind in a better place and feeling better because of the medications I added into my diet.  Just in time… to stop taking them.
What?
Yes.  I have an appointment with a new (to me) doctor and am having my blood drawn.  I decided I wanted my bloodwork to be as messed up as possible, otherwise it could look like no issues are happening.
It took about 4 days to start feeling better, so I’m giving myself a week off meds & full fat Keto to see if my days get a little moodier thanks to malfunctioning hormones.
I’m really hoping that that won’t happen until Monday, the day before my appointment, otherwise it could be a TOUGH weekend emotionally feeling like crap and sticking to Keto. But I stuck to Keto for MONTHS while not feeling happy or like myself, so I should be able to make it through the weekend.

I really hope my bloodwork shows something.  I’d rather take 1 synthetic hormone pill than 4 pills of supplements to get my body working correctly while I continue on Keto (I really dislike taking pills).  Then my blood sugar AND my thyroid (and therefore ME) will be happy on this eating plan.

Struggling

I was doing so well on Keto… really liking it because I found it easy to stick to, not having cravings or binge tendencies and improving my blood sugar to better than it has been in years.
On the outside everything was so positive, but on the inside was a different story.
If only I felt happy and was losing weight at a rate matching my % effort and on point macros.
Other than my depression (brought on by losing my job & subsequent weight gain) in 2009, I haven’t felt this down, unhappy and irritable… ever.
I’m doubting my parenting capabilities and the quality of my marriage when not that long ago I was feeling happy and lucky.   Nothing and no one else has changed but me.
I don’t LIKE feeling this way because it’s not really “me”.

Since realizing I have basically all the symptoms of hypothyroidism, it’s made me weary to have a diet so high in fat (since that can interfere with the production of hormones) and all of the symptoms came on about a week into following Keto.

Why does my body HATE the ONE diet I like????????????????????????????????

It sucks.

So I’ve been making some changes… I stopped having butter with my eggs (2 eggs, 1 egg white) and started using my Pam butter spray instead (although butter was on the ‘good’ list for Keto, it was on the ‘bad’ list for hypothyroidism).  Then I went back to 3 egg whites all together (my former staple that I never minded), just to lower my fat in general.
Today I skipped the bulletproof coffee for just a couple tbsps cream like I used to have.

The problem is that when I lower my fats, my carbs seem to sneak higher (even via just things like lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, green peppers. etc.) and when that happens, I have cravings come back and bad food thoughts plague my brain.
Yesterday my “cheat” was strawberries.  At first it was whole strawberries that I dipped in 85% cocoa melted dark chocolate (I’m not the biggest sweets person – usually my wants are savory, so this just proves to me my head in not in the right place).  That lead to wanting a strawberry daiquiri (non-alcoholic) after dinner – a summer tradition we have (but not nightly, more like once or twice in the summer).  I used unsweetened frozen strawberries we’d picked last year, Splenda, and a touch of limeade (only ‘added sugar’ item)… it was a healthier version than our usual, but still a TON more sugar than we were used to.

You know what that lead me to?  Having the thought of having a white bread peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  This came at 10:40pm… over 4 hours since my fast time began (I shoot for 16 hours minimum every day).
So did I eat it?  Nope.  I held tight and the feeling passed… eventually.

Have I considered having that today?  Yep.  I also wanted to have a big plate of nachos (which I did breakdown and have a few days ago… hoping to get it ‘out of my system’ and get back on track).
What did I end up eating?
Chicken breast covered in salsa and melted cheese.

This decision was a struggle and a compromise.  It took me over an hour to come to this decision.

I HATE feeling this way.
I’m taking the selenium, zinc & magnesium that are supposed to help thyroid function, but I keep going back and forth about lowering my fats.  I don’t even know how long I have to be taking the supplements to see an improvement if they are even helping.

On one hand, lowering my fats could help my hormone functions and make me feel better emotionally (and maybe start losing weight again?  The scale has just been going up lately).  But on the other, as I lower the fats, the diet mentality grows and food choices become harder and harder.

This sucks.
I really hate feeling like there is something wrong with me… maybe more than I know.
I’ve been getting weird pains, more bruises… but I can explain them away and I’m such a chicken shit with calling to make an appointment for a doctor’s visit (and it really doesn’t help that I don’t have a regular physician right now… haven’t found one since I moved, so it would be me meeting a complete stranger that I won’t even know if I like yet).  At least I have my obgyn.  I have my yearly happening in September and they’ll take a blood sample to test my blood sugar, A1C, other usual values including thyroid function.  So, I could potentially get answers then.
It doesn’t help that my hubby’s medical things this year are costing us a small fortune.  He may have hit his deductible, but I sure didn’t and I’m just afraid to ‘go there’.

If I do lower my fats, this automatically raises my carbs by default (and by craving issues) and my blood sugars will get higher (for which I’m currently out of meds), I won’t get to a state of ketosis (because if it isn’t the carbs going up, it’s the protein) and will probably gain weight or have trouble losing, just like I did prior to starting Keto.
So if doing that improves my mood, how will I EVER KNOW because then I’ll be bummed out and moody because of my weight (really, I can’t differentiate).

In fact, that’s how I knew something was up with me in the first place because normally at any other time in my life, a lower weight on the scale meant a better mood all day and a pep in my step.  Instead, I was losing weight, clothes were fitting better, measurements were smaller and I’d have these horribly moody, irritable days that felt the same as if the scale went up.  I kept saying to myself “I’m losing weight and looking better – why aren’t I in a better mood???”

So frustrating.
I just feel like this is a big conundrum.

There’s no such thing as low-fat Keto, is there?
I really don’t want to eat the carbs… they just lead to more carbs & my blood sugar getting bad again, but I don’t want to not feel satiated either by not having enough fat.  Ugh.  So far I haven’t found a happy medium.
Maybe I should just go full zero carb like that woman in the blog I found.  My protein would obviously be the highest macro, followed by fat.  I just don’t know if the fat would still be too high and interfering with my hormone production.

All I know is, I need to FIGURE SOMETHING OUT and the sooner, the better.  Soon my hubby will have the gastric sleeve procedure and he’ll be shrinking and I don’t want him to be the only one.
I’m willing, I’m able… my body is just not cooperating.

It All Makes Sense Now – Keto & Hypothyroidism

I have been following the Ketogenic diet for over 10 weeks now.  It has been the easiest “diet” to stick to that I’ve ever tried.  I don’t miss pasta, bread and rice and have had the least number of cravings and zero binge tendencies while following this plan compared to any other method of weight loss that I’ve tried.  What do I miss?  Fruit (mostly apples) and popcorn… that’s it, and mildly.  My blood sugars have never been so fabulous, so much so that I no longer require my medication.  I got a better fasting blood sugar without medication than I have since before 2012 (when I got pregnant & developed gestational diabeties).

I was losing weight, though not as much as everyone else seems to on this plan, so I was frustrated yet pleased to be making *some* progress since I was having trouble getting started since my 365/50 Project began back in November of last year.

So I was having an “easy” time sticking to it, some weight was coming off, inches were coming off and I looked better in my clothes… yet, something just felt off.

I haven’t been happy.  I wouldn’t have called it depressed, but yes, perhaps a mild case of depression.
After sleep training my baby, I was getting more sleep than I had in months, yet I always feel tired and just had no energy.  This, even after taking nighttime meds to sleep better and B vitamins for energy during the day.
Where was the pep in my step I usually get when losing weight?

My hormones have gone crazy.  My menstrual cycle became irregular in the sense that I used to be like clockwork… if I got my period on the 1^st, I would get it on the 1^st of EVERY month.  Not anymore.  It’s constantly early, and that’s a first for me.
I’m not usually a big sufferer of PMS, but the last 2 have been doozies.  Raging bitch are two words that come to mind.  And breakouts?  OMG, I’m 16 all over again.

I’ve had so many days I can only describe as irritable.  I have never been so irritable so often in all of my adult life!!!  Even I irritated myself.
Even when the scale went down and I *should* have been having a good day, I just didn’t and I couldn’t figure out why.  Until…

Today, due to a friend announcing her condition in a closed Facebook group, I looked up the symptoms of hypothyroidism:

Fatigue
Increased difficulty losing weight
Hair loss
Dry/coarse hair
Cold intolerance
Constipation
Depression
Irritability
Memory loss
Abnormal menstrual cycles
Decreased libido

Check, check, check… for ALL of these symptoms.  ***All of which came on after starting Keto.***
Just yesterday I left the pool and couldn’t believe the gobs of hair that were coming out… more than usual or at least more than I’d expect.  That, and my hair seems drier and tangles more easily.
My house is at least 2 degrees warmer than any other summer as I found myself too cold, especially at night.
I’ve been a “regular” girl all of my adult life, even when pregnant, so this occasional constipation is driving me nuts as I’m totally not used to it.
As for my memory… I can’t even tell you what I had for lunch just one day ago.
Low libido?  How about no libido… I go through the motions, but haven’t truly been in the mood… at all.

So why have all of these symptoms popped up since starting Keto?
Because a diet high in fat can interfere with the production of needed hormones.  Plus, sometimes the lack of bread (which has iodine, a needed dietary supplement), can create an iodine deficiency, which contributes to symptoms of hypothyroidism.  Since my consumption of bread has been low to none for years, it seems to me it was the increase in fats that aggravated what was probably a very mild case of hypothyroidism.

[To be clear, I’m not saying if you start Keto you will develop hypothyroidism because of the extra fat.  No, I genetically have a risk for developing thyroid issues (my sister had Hashimoto’s disease and even had to have her thyroid removed) and that it happened to bring symptoms to the surface for me, which I could thank this experience for]

I also haven’t been eating nuts like I used to (just a carb hit that wasn’t worth taking for me) and that means less selenium, another needed dietary supplement.
I already know I don’t have enough magnesium.  And then there’s zinc too… not eating enough zinc-rich foods to help me.

So…………  after Dr. Googling myself, I am making the following changes:
– Less certain fats (butter, cream & mayo) and instead, having more coconut oil & avocados (both are considered “power foods” for hypothyroidism)
– Less spinach & broccoli (these were my 2 main veggies since starting Keto, but both can interfere with production of thyroid hormone) and more asparagus (another “power food”)
– Taking supplements of magnesium, selenium & zinc (all via Amazon and will be here in 2 days)
– Having dark chocolate more often (it has needed copper among other things… the other day I had the most dark chocolate than I’ve had the whole time on Keto and for the FIRST TIME in that same time, I had a flirty impulse to grab my husband and kiss him… it feels like it’s been forever since I had that desire as I usually just “fake” those feelings, wondering what was wrong with me)

After reading all of the symptoms, the foods that can cause issues and the lack of foods that can help me, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

One, two or a few symptoms, I could dismiss or blame other contributors, but basically having ALL the symptoms?  I can’t deny that.  And other factors just all make sense now.

So am I right about my diagnosis?  I will change my diet up a little, start taking those supplements when they arrive and I’ll let you know.

Efforts for Exercise (when motherhood gets in the way)

There were too many options for the title of this post… “What I Had To Do To Exercise Today”, “Whatever Works for a Workout”, “When Mommyhood Messes up your Exercise”, “Gotta Do Whatcha Gotta Do”, “What Must Be Done”… and I could go on.

I know it’s strange to most, but my exercise of choice (especially these days with the blistering sun and 90+ degree heat outside) is walking inside my house.  I am grateful that I have the *ability* to walk circles in my own home (I love the temperature control, water & bathroom accessibility and that the weather doesn’t matter).
I have a Family Room, Living Room/Dining Room (no table) and Kitchen island I walk around… circles and figure 8 possibilities galore.
Unfortunately, most days I have to pick one side of the house so I can have privacy and stay “hidden” from my kids in the other room.
Here are some of my common routes:

I am very much a solitary exercise person… don’t like being around others, having anyone watch me (even my kids) or doing it with a buddy.
Also, when I walk, I have conversations with myself… may seem a little crazy, but it’s free therapy.  The more I talk (usually about the current weight loss journey I’m on… sometimes about issues with parenting), the faster the time FLIES BY.  I LOVE when 30 minutes feels like 10!   But if I have a nagging 4-year-old chasing after me or purposely getting in my way, my train of thought derails and I get very aggravated and the minutes go by like hours.

For this reason, I love when my kids are distracted or better yet, upstairs and totally unaware I’m doing my walk.
I used to grab whatever time during the day this actually happens, but since last week, I’ve made it a goal to get in FASTED exercise.  This limits my window of time and sometimes I just have to deal with whoever is awake or at home at the time.

Somedays are easy… son at school, baby sleeping, 4-year old busy playing… no one in the way of me getting in my fasted workout and I can manage it uninterrupted (win!).

Other days it’s a mix… 4-year-old starts following me (or more annoyingly, putting toys in my path) and making a game out of it when I just want to be LEFT ALONE.
Sometimes I take advantage of my baby’s feeding time and walk while she’s confined and distracted, walking by every few minutes to replenish her food or drink.

Then there are days like today.  The 4-year-old I can handle… I can reason with her and do eventually get her to leave me alone.  But the 9-month-old?  Nope, that obviously doesn’t work with her.

This morning I had a half hour left until my 16-hour fast was over and I was getting hungry, so it was the optimal time for my fasted walk.
My son (now that school is out) was busy in the upstairs playroom playing Xbox with a friend (never to be heard from again) and my 4-year-old daughter was busy playing upstairs too.

Just me and a very awake, no nap in sight 9-month-old who’d already eaten her breakfast, so having her be in her highchair for the majority of my walk was not an option.

First, I tried distracting her with tv in the family room where most of her toys are.  I looped the kitchen island and into the living room.
This lasted maybe 4 minutes.
She starts crawling after me and starts crying if I walk by and don’t pick her up.
So, I have her follow me into the living room.
The first loop around I turn on an interactive toy that plays music and has lights.  This attracts and distracts her.
The second loop she was losing interest in that already, so I turn on the tv for her and proceed to only loop in the kitchen and family room so she can’t see me as easily.
I get maybe 5 minutes from this.
Then she crawls over to find me.
My next option?
Putting her the stroller and pushing her around while I walk.  The advantage to this is I get to loop ALL rooms and zig zag around, making it interesting for her as well.

I did this for maybe 5 minutes and then the programming changed on tv and a theme song started (my baby LOVES music and the intro to almost any cartoon show), so I give her a bottle to nurse and leave her in the stroller in front of the family room tv and I start looping in the living room and occasionally out to the kitchen island and around back to the living room.
I get maybe 3 minutes stroller-free.  Theme song over, actual show not holding her interest.
So back to pushing the stroller I go for the remainder of my time.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do when you’re a mommy of babies or young children and want to stick to your exercise goal.  You gotta make it work, and that I did today.
At least at 9 months old, she’s not judging me for talking to myself and doesn’t interrupt with questions. 🙂

Weighing In

Today marks 5 weeks completed on the Keto diet.  Well, as it turns out, really 1 week *actually* meeting my macros.  What do I mean?  Well, I made a big discovery a little late in the game and it therefore messes up what I thought were my macros all along.

A couple of nights ago my hubby called me from the grocery store because he wanted to make a keto-friendly cheese cake.  He was calling about sweeteners.  Packets wouldn’t work as the recipe needed ½ cup and that would take forever, so he was looking for a kind that came as loose powder.  I didn’t want to use the liquid kinds as those tend to have even more aftertaste.
He was reading me the carbs and sugars and almost EVERYTHING had carbs.  So, it prompted me to check my Stevia packets I’d been using all along and not even logging because I thought they were calorie free, carb free and sugar free.
Nope.
OMG.
Doh!

Yes, each packet states “Less than 1g” of carbs, but knowing how MANY packets I have (really, it’s way too many), that would add up if you assume at least 1 full g of carb per 2 packets… and it did.
I figured out that at a *minimum* I was having 8 g of carbs every day (but possibly more like 12 g or more on days I have more than one tea or coffee, which was common).
Adding that many carbs in with no fiber means I definitely did NOT hit the 5% or less mark for carbs for the day… for WEEKS.

The only exception might have been the first week because I didn’t know to count *net* carbs, so I was keeping TOTAL carbs below 20 g, so I had wiggle room for the carbs from the Stevia I was having.  And this might also explain why my biggest loss so far was that week as well (5 lbs).

This would also explain WHY I haven’t had the results that everyone else I know on Keto has been having!!!

Haven’t I been wondering multiple times why the fat isn’t melting off me???  Well, I wasn’t hitting my macros like I thought!!!  I think I finally figured it out!

So as soon as I realized this, the next day I cut my number of packets for tea by half and down to ¼ of my former use for coffee (both I’m having less of so I don’t notice the difference as much).  I also traded in my HUGE oversized mug for a more typical size and tried bulletproof coffee for the first time.
I’m using my Keto coach’s recipe:  1 tbsp butter, 1 tbsp coconut oil, 1 tbsp heavy cream
It is tasty!  I can learn to love that (though the extra prep is kind of a pain… 3 more dishes for me to wash).

But even with 4 out of 5 weeks not completely meeting my macros, I’ve still managed a 12.6 lb loss!
I lost 2 lbs this past week (I think adding back in fasted exercise helped).
Knowing what I know now, I’m definitely pleased with those results!

Not only back in the 260’s, almost halfway through them… 265.8 lbs (265.4 after I went back to sleep when the baby napped prior to me having breakfast).  265 lbs is definitely one of those significant weights for me… it has been a RARE occasion for me to actually make it down to here during most of my weight loss journeys of the past.  I’ve only gone under it about 3 times… hoping that this will be time number 4 and the last time I need to go past it.

Any version of me in the past 11 years would be BEYOND PSYCHED that I’ve achieved this weight.  The over 300 me, dying to see the 200’s, let alone the 260’s… or the 280’s me feeling stuck there, just dreaming of weighing 20 pounds less.

I’m here.  I’m FINALLY HERE!

It *is* really exciting and I’m so happy with my progress so far.  But no offense to the 260’s, but I wouldn’t mind them in the rearview mirror as I go into the 250’s… somewhere I haven’t been for any amount of time (or below it) since 2004!!!

Improvement

Mood, spirits, scale, you name it… improved.  I had a rough time for the last week between my “whoosh” and this week’s official weigh-in.

I finally decided to see the big picture, realize that although my husband lost 21 lbs in the first 4 weeks of keto, that me losing 10.6 lbs is no small potatoes.  It’s pretty damn good and just about what I’d hope to lose on any diet in a month.
I also got a loss of 2.6 lbs for this week’s weigh-in!  How can I be mad at that?  Sure, I felt shorted for 2 weeks prior to that, so part of me feels like I’m “owed” some more pounds down, but this is when I had to step back, look at the big picture and realize I’m not doing badly and that I must move forward from here… stop thinking about those odd weeks when the scale barely moved.  I had to drop the bad attitude and get a happier point of view, and that I did.
I have felt happier, optimistic, excited and encouraged ever since.  I think vlogging out my feelings also helped me get through this and see the other side of it.

I also decided to start doing fasted exercise in the mornings again (at least 30 mins).  I’m on Day 3 of completing this.  I don’t think it’s any coincidence I’ve been in a better mood ever since I started it.
I LOVE being able to log exercise in Sparkpeople before I’ve even logged food.

I was going to stay off the scale this week (because it’s not good for my mood to see I went down in weight on Friday, but then gained Saturday, Sunday and Monday only to almost get down to Friday’s weight by Tuesday’s weigh-in… I don’t need to SEE that roller coaster).  Buuuuuuuuuuuut…

I forgot about my *planned* exception to my keto diet… Ben & Jerry’s.  Every Friday my hubby & I have a pint of our favorite ice cream.  Everything else is on plan but this.  I felt like my hubby’s head would have exploded if I made him give up his coffee ice cream along with all the other carbs he was used to eating on what is essentially his first real diet attempt, so I planned it in as I know I’ve successfully lost weight while still just having ice cream once a week.  So, then it became an experiment of sorts… what DOES having ice cream on the keto diet do to the scale?
I’ve been keeping a log of how having that ice cream on Fridays has been affecting my weight:
Week 1:  +1 pound
Week 2:  -1.4 pounds
Week 3:  no change
Week 4:  +.4 of a pound

So I’m too curious not to keep this experiment going to see if the pattern holds true and this next time I go down in weight.  So that means I HAVE to weigh myself Friday and Saturday.
I am attempting to not weigh-in Thursday, Sunday and Monday.
That’s the goal.

I’m just so happy to feel good about things again… hopeful is the is best word to describe how I’m feeling.  I tell ya, it makes getting through each day a lot more enjoyable.  I have more energy, am less “mean mommy” and just a happier person.

I got so hopeful that I did something you aren’t supposed to… I projected weight loss.
This is when you take how much you lost in a week, 2 weeks, or 4 weeks, etc. and count out weeks in the future to see what you COULD weigh on some future date *IF* you kept losing weight at the same rate.

This gets tricky as we all know, no one really loses *that* consistently, even if they are consistent on their diet.
My “average” is losing 2.6 lbs per week, but I didn’t project that amount… more like varying 1-2 lbs, so I always feel like I do it “realistically”.
But really, ANY TIME I’ve EVER done this in the past, I’ve never make whatever weight by whatever date. I always have all the best intentions, but something always happens and my success slows or halts or reverses.
They’ve actually done studies that show that doing this is NOT a good idea in the weight loss world.  It had a horrible failure rate.  Doh.

Lord knows I’m truly hopeful that WON’T be the case as I haven’t given up or had any “bad” days on this plan (food-wise) even though I had bad weigh-ins and bad moods.  That speaks VOLUMES to me and is a prime example of how things are different this time.

So anyway… by projecting just a little bit into the future (I picked August because that’s the month the bariatric clinic thinks my husband will have his surgery and I was curious what we could achieve on our own by then).  That’s when I realized I could be close to 250 lbs!!!

Holy crap.  I haven’t been 250 or under since 2003/4 and before that, not since college in 1997!!!  That would be SUCH A HUGE deal for me!

Then I had the epiphany which still makes me laugh at myself… it suddenly occurred to me that 250 was only 17 lbs away.  In my head (because I’m so used to being bigger) I was still thinking it was like 30 lbs away, so when I realized it was only 17, I huge smile came across my face!
17.
That’s it.
Not 30, not 50, not 68 like where I began my journey at my highest weight.

It’s been awhile since it was so close.  17 pounds feels like NOTHING compared to where I’ve struggled from.
I think this realization was also part of the reason for my mood improvement.  It’s very exciting to me.

After figuring that out, I then realized that after August 1^st, I’d still have 15 weeks to lose 22 more pounds to reach my goal for the 365/50 Project which ends on November 15^th of this year (228).
It’s not completely unreasonable and if I happen to achieve more and am less than 250 by August, that’s even less to get down by then.
I would be beyond proud to finally succeed at one of my year-long “projects”.  And I will promptly NEVER do another one again…  I’ve learned they just don’t work for me and like the weight projections, setting a goal of I will weight X number of pounds by X date is a set up for failure based on studies out there and after several attempts, I can firmly agree… even if I do end up succeeding at this one.

Camera Hog & Frustration

Not for pictures… for video (though I won’t share them publicly).  I think I was a little too inspired by watching ‘Crossing the Blue Line’ on Youtube (catching up on the last 2 episodes).  All of a sudden, I wanted to turn the camera on myself and record how I’m feeling with my weight loss journey.  Plus, things feel tough right now, so I needed to vent.
Well if I was a part of that show, I think I’d get dropped.  I’m WAY TOO long winded.  I’m sure they tell them to keep it under 10 mins a day or something.
Because of my former brain damage, I lose my train of thought SO EASILY and then even a full 5 seconds later, can’t find it again.  This is both frustrating, but also annoying to watch and a time sucker.

I seems like I’m ADD or something… middle of a thought, something catches my eye and I mention it or a kid comes and interrupts me, and I literally HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE what the hell I was JUST talking about.
I seem to be recording myself every couple of hours so far today.  Things just occur to me and I have stuff I want to document.

I don’t think it’s helped me that I started watching previously recorded videos (dating back to 2010 when I *looked* my heaviest, even though I didn’t hit that until late 2013/early 2014).
I’ve been watching 2014 videos and the annoying part is, it was just 3 years ago, I but look older and fatter NOW than I did then.  Seriously, I was just about the same weight (maybe even 2-4 lbs heavier in the video) and yet I look 10-15 lbs lighter.  My jawline is tighter and I just look… better.
I rolled my eyes like “isn’t doing intermittent fasting supposed to help SLOW the aging process???”
But that’s not what the difference was…  I think it was exercise.

Back in the Fall of 2014, I had completed my first 100 consecutive days of exercise (30 mins or more).  This was BIG for me.  I would actually get in an hour or more, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
So I was FIT 270 instead of the FAT 270 I am now (actually 268.8 this morning).

It was proof to me and a wake-up call that I’m not doing *enough* exercise-wise.  Yes, I’ve been “moving” every day and keeping track of it on my fb page (as that was a personal goal of mine for my 40^th year), but as long as I do *something* (even just 20 squats), I count it.  I didn’t set any limits that it must be 10, 15 or 30 minutes.  Nope.  Just move.
Don’t get me wrong, doing something – even a little – is better than nothing.  I think that’s the point I was trying to make.
But after seeing that video, I suddenly feel like it is all way too insufficient.

Though my keto couch said exercise wasn’t even necessary for weight loss at the beginning of starting this way of eating, I think that’s for people who had usual consumption of carbs and then went cold turkey and it was more of a “shock” to their system.  Yeah, I bet those people 4 weeks in still don’t have to lift a finger.
Me?  Nope.
It was not that much of a shock to my system.  Normal people lose 10 or more pounds the first week,  I lost 5 lbs.
That’s just how it is, so it’s time I up my game and see if exercise is the missing element to my success on this plan, because lord knows I’ve never followed the eating portion of a diet SO MUCH for THIS LONG with such LITTLE MOVEMENT on the scale.

Sure, I got my “fat whoosh” and finally into the 260’s, but I’ll be honest that it wasn’t the whoosh I was hoping for.  Although happy, I was still disappointed.  And although I’ve been meeting my macros and have continued the same way I have been for 3+ weeks since that lower weight, the scale has done nothing but go UP every single day!  Grr.
First 268.0, then 268.6 and now 268.8.  Why?  WHY?????????????????????????????

Besides exercise being a factor in maybe why I’m not getting as much success as what I expect (or what others seem to be achieving) there’s also the ‘stuffed up’ factor.  I’m talking about my “pipes” getting more backed up recently than they ever have.  Clearly, I am NOT getting in enough fiber and although fats help out that zero carb life lady to keep things “moving” for her, that’s not cutting it for me apparently.
I was a pretty darn regular person until this diet.
Since my official weigh-in day is tomorrow, I’m not taking ANY chances today.  I want a loss tomorrow.  I want at the VERY LEAST to regain my lowest weight of 267.6 on this Project.
So, after inspiring myself to get moving, I took a fasted walk for a little over 30 mins, got down 40 oz of water instead of my usual 20 oz before breakfast, I’m sticking to my low carb life for foods and right now I’m working on a cup of “smooth move” tea since nothing has happened in that department yet today.

Nope, no chances.
I hate to say it, but this feels like a breaking point kind of day.  I’m going to pull out all the stops and have ZERO excuses why the scale should go up or stay the same tomorrow.  ZERO.
What am I going to do if it stays the same or goes up?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lose my freaking mind maybe?????????????

I’ve just NEVER been on a diet of any kind where I stuck to it this much and yet not have my results show on the scale [practically 2 weeks with barely movement?  Heck no.  ANY OTHER DIET (6 week body makeover, moderation & watching calories, etc.) and the scale would be dropping like crazy – I have PROOF in former videos!].  I’m not looking for daily improvement, but every couple of days would be nice.  But the FUCKING SCALE keeps going UP!!!  WTF???

There have been PLENTY of times in my life when the scale went up and it made sense.  This time?  Hell no.  No sense.

I hate that seeds of doubt sneak into my brain and I stop believing in the process when all evidence out there says this should work… especially for an insulin resistant person such as myself.

How is this NOT WORKING???  I barely give my body carbs, so it’s got no food to burn for energy or very little, plus I’m achieving ketosis (which is supposed to have me using stored fat for energy) AND I’m fasting, so for 4 hours or more between the 12^th and 16^th hour (and I commonly go 17-18 hrs), that’s also supposed to only be using stored fat… so really, I SHOULD BE FUCKING MELTING.

Can you understand my frustration?
(and by the way, it may sound like eating no carb and fasting are making me miserable, but THOSE are the easiest factors for me… not the effort it sounds like when I list it like that… both are really working for me and my schedule… neither are hard to keep going, I just hate feeling like it’s all for nothing)

Sooooooooooooooo, like I said, today feels like make or break it.  Like I BETTER like what I see on the scale in the morning.  If not?  Really I don’t know… I’ll probably just continue and put my stubbornness to good use.

I’m not even going to have any bacon today for fear the increased sodium will have me retain water.
I am not messing around today.
Shit needs to move.  Including me.
If the weather clears up a bit more (it’s raining) and the baby finally goes down for a long nap, I’m going to be lugging 25+ lb stones from my garage all the way to my backyard and up the hill to the stone wall I’m attempting to finish.  Oh, and there are 8 cinder blocks as well I hope to turn into a step for the back gate.

I’m up to 5 videos already today and I’m sure I’m not done.  I’m SO MOODY and my kids are driving me NUTS!!!!!!!!!  I try to “adult” for 5 mins and get distracted and it’s just not the day for that.
I’m trying to make the videos shorter, like 4 mins or less.  But even the “quick” ones are 12 mins each!  Oy.  What can I say, I get distracted!  Surprisingly, I do get to watching these.  I mean I’m watching ones from 7 years ago, 5 years ago, and 3 years ago.  It does help me with my perspective and appreciation of where I’ve come from and what I’ve learned… and that my learning process is NEVER OVER, that’s for sure.
Here’s hoping my mood improves, I don’t kill my children and that tomorrow is a better day.

New Territory… FINALLY!

As those of you who follow my blog know [you know, all 2 of you ;-)], I’ve been in a stall pattern on the scale.  I’ve essentially been maintaining my weight for the last 13 days (within the last solid week, only a .6 up and back down).  Then I learned about the “Fat Whoosh”…
Since then I’d been waiting.
Without doing ANYTHING differently whatsoever yesterday (just kept on keeping on), this morning I was down 2.4 lbs!
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I got my “Fat Whoosh”.  Thank goodness because that was getting frustrating.
I am now finally in the 260’s… 267.6 lb.  Whew!  Haven’t weighed in this range since 2012!!!

Dear Body,
I’d rather lose weight slowly in .2 increments almost every day than wait weeks for a large pound drop.
Thanks,
Me

Here’s a reminder:

Holding Steady

I know I said I wasn’t going to weigh myself for the week, but after my reenergization, feeling hopeful again (and having an explanation as to what may be going on), the scale didn’t bother me as much.
But I realized something yesterday…
I’ve basically been the same weight for 12 days.
This never happens to me… whether I’m on a diet or not.
Literally I’ve been trying to lose weight or gaining weight since before I was an adult or even full-grown.  There is no in-between.
This means my weight was always constantly fluctuating.  I can’t remember a time I was always a particular weight.  Even at “300” (which I felt stuck at for several of my journey starts) I’d be 302, 305, 308, 306, 301, etc… a span of 5 lbs or more in a given week.

I first saw 270.0 on 5/6/2017.  Yes, I went up to 271.6 at most, but since 5/12 I’ve been 270 with no more than .6 up or back down.  Four days I’ve been 270 on the nose (including this morning which makes 13 days… though it blinked on 269.8 a couple times, yet landed on 270.0 right at the last second – grr, though it made me snicker as I’m finding it rather comical, mostly because I knew I was going to write this post).

That’s a solid week of a variance of only .6 of a pound.
I’VE NEVER MAINTAINED MY WEIGHT UNTIL NOW!

At first it felt frustrating, but now it feels like a healthy achievement… like this is how it is for “normal” people who haven’t struggled with their weight.

It’s really a mystery though.  I’ve been sticking with the keto diet and maintaining the same level of exercise in a given week and yet my losses keep going down.
Here’s my total calorie/weight loss breakdown (if you’re looking closely, note that this only lists total carbs, not net.  Other than Fridays, all my net carbs have been 25 or less):

Notice how I ate almost 2,000 more calories that first week (and I ate like crap the Monday before starting) and lost more?  Is that just a coincidence?  Or was it more the “shock” to my system to suddenly go without any simple carbs?  By week 2 it wasn’t a big deal to my body anymore that I wasn’t eating them.
My blood sugars were totally awesome that first week too.  On my own without meds my fasting glucose was in the mid-90’s.  This week and last?  103-115 ON MEDS.  Other than getting a cold and dealing with that, not sure why this changed as I did not up my carb amount.

I thought “maybe I just made better food choices that first week?” but I went back and checked and no, it’s basically what I’m eating now.
I’m not sure how I should interpret this.  As you can see, I did attempt increasing my calories a little bit for week 3, but really it wasn’t much of a difference now that I’ve done the math in comparison.
But the “problem” with that is that I’M NOT HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don’t want to eat just to eat!  What an issue, right?  If I’m full and satisfied, I hate the idea of eating just to up my calories.

But this weight maintenance, thought impressive on some levels, is really a head-scratcher for me.
Do you know how many times if I wasn’t losing the weight I thought I should and felt frustrated, I’d “quit” and ate crap again, only to have to WORK to get back down to where I was frustrated in the first place?  TONS.  More than I can count.  Not doing that this time.  I don’t want to have to re-lose any more damned pounds.

When will I finally see the 260’s???  Stay tuned.

Holding steady on the scale, but holding steady with my diet.