Something strange happened tonight. I think it might relate to what I was reading earlier tonight. It would make more sense if the weight was just falling off me (i.e. reflecting on the scale), but it’s not… more on that later.
This past week on the Keto diet has felt like 3 weeks. It probably didn’t help I was sick for most of it and hubby as well (curse the man cold!!!) Well, he got sick for real and actually ended up with an upper respiratory infection and on antibiotics. So, as you can imagine, a whole lot of nothing happened for Mother’s Day.
My hubby is usually good about picking up the slack, helping with the kids, making dinner and even handling the clean-up. But when he’s sick? Nope, that’s not happening. Can’t really blame him. It just sucks it happened on what was supposed to be MY ONE DAY to be the un-mother, as ironic as that is on Mother’s Day.
So, what happened tonight?
Well, I was wearing this one pair of capris all day (not my favorites as they are thick and have bulky pockets, but my favorites were in the wash). I started laundry again and with my favorite pair clean, I switched into them. They felt tight-ish… I realize things shrink a little in the wash. It was a good tight, if that makes sense. I felt smaller and less bulky in them compared to the others I had been wearing.
After getting my 4-year-old to bed, I went into my 11-year-old’s room with the baby to say goodnight to him.
Sometimes I sit on his bed and we have little chats while the baby plays on his floor. As I was sitting there I took in my enormity… I became acutely aware of how while sitting, my thighs/hips just SPREAD OUT and I felt wider than I feel I should be now. Even my “love handles” (not sure what to call the female equivalent… it’s different than a muffin top as this was incorporated in my capris, not above it) and hips seemed to be more prevalent and I could feel that skin rubbing on my lower back skin as I sat. I even put my hand back there to double check it wasn’t my son’s pillow or large stuffed bear putting pressure against me… nope, all me. Just last week I was noticing how I was thinning out in those areas… especially my back. Where once my back would come down and make a crease where it met my hip, it had flattened out while in a standing position. So why did I feel so huge now?
I was just sitting there, looking at and feeling my body like it wasn’t mine.
This is the strange part.
It was like I already felt like a 165 lb me (my ultimate goal weight) that had been time warped into my old 270 lb body. I looked at it like “this isn’t mine anymore”… like I’d already lost all the weight and shouldn’t have this outside anymore.
So instead of an out of body experience, I had a trapped in my body experience.
I have 2 things that could explain this.
The first being that for the last almost 3 weeks, I’ve eaten like a 165 lb person. Seriously, I’ve done the math for BMR/TDEE and for a woman my height and age, I could be a SENDENTARY person and still eat 1808 calories and be able to not gain with a 165 lb body. Up to 2072 calories if I achieved light activity.
I stayed well within (or below) both those numbers for the last 3 weeks, mostly without effort.
So I’ve been feeding the 165 lb me, so no wonder she got confused and looked out to see and feel this 270 lb body.
The second thing is me reading this Zero Carb Life blog I discovered. I was Bing-ing high fat, zero carb, zero protein foods (besides butter & heavy cream) and came across it.
This woman ONLY lives on products of animals… meat, eggs, some dairy… absolutely NO CARBS (not even veggies).
She’s been doing this now over 6 years, has maintained a large weight loss (achieved at first by going low carb) and has had 3 babies and her bloodwork late last year came back perfect… absolutely perfect. Her HDL (the GOOD cholesterol) was 62! I’m so jealous. I’ve never gotten mine up to even 40 which should be the minimum.
Reading all about her journey (slash being convinced further that I’m on the right path with my low carb choice and being reaffirmed this DOES WORK) got me enthused and excited.
Maybe I was just so into her story, I felt like I’d done it too and so imagine my surprise when I still felt the fat on me.
Trapped in a fat suit… that’s me.
I’ve never actually felt that way before. Previously, I owned all my fat because I knew exactly every bite that had gotten me there.
Not now. Not when my calories only maintain that of a body 105 pounds smaller than mine.
So why the heck is my scale not moving??? It in fact went back up by .6 one day, lowered to .2 the next, but still above my lowest that I was at for 2 weigh-ins in a row (270.0).
I don’t know anymore. I had some theories in my previous post, but I had several nights in a row of decent sleep and my cold is going away.
Maybe I’m just DYING TO SEE the 260’s that it’s become a mind game with myself!!! It’s been a LONG ROAD getting back there. I haven’t spent time in that range since late 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s 4.5 years (including another pregnancy) that I’ve been trying to get back to them.
The only… ONLY… thing I can think of that could be the culprit holding me back is that maybe I haven’t had enough water. I just get busy drinking my tea and coffee and then back to tea for the afternoon, that I get back to water on the later side.
I always drink my 20 oz every morning before ANYTHING else. But unfortunately, once I meet that quota, I kind of forget to go back to it until after 5pm.
I changed that today.
I stuck to my Keto macros (achieved 3.7% carbs, 17.9% protein & 78.4% fat), even making my fat higher at the suggestion of my keto coach.
It’s CRAZY how I can eat things like fried eggs in butter with tomatoes and avocado with cheese broiled on top, pork rinds dipped in salsa & sour cream, lemon butter pepper chicken wings and cream in my coffee AND tea and still wind up under 1200 calories. Seriously, I had to have another tea with cream and added more butter into my homemade lemon pepper sauce for the wings in order to increase my calories above the absolute minimum for a woman (1200).
I drank down four 20 oz containers of water even before dinner. Now THAT is how my water consumption *should* be.
Tomorrow is my official weigh-in day. So, will I FINALLY make it into the 260’s????????????????? I’m trying NOT to obsess about it as I’ve had experience with unhappy weigh-ins when I really, REALLY want to see a certain progress. I swear those thresholds into a new set of tens are three times as hard as just losing a few pounds within the same tens. Like when you’re 300 and you want to see 299… even 299.9. Or you’re 200 lbs and you’re dying to see ONEderland. One pound (or even .2 of a pound) never took so much effort!
Whatever my weigh in ends up being, I know I NEED to just stay on track.
This will work. Just give it more time. Quitting won’t speed it up. Must just keep going anyway. The scale will catch up eventually.
I just really thought I’d be a few more pounds down by now.
If I weigh (annoyingly) 270.0 lbs yet again, that’ll only be a loss of 1.6 lbs for the week. Based on my calorie deficits alone, I should be down 1.8 lbs. If you factor in my exercise as well, that’s another 3500 calories burned, so in total, 2.8 lbs.
I hate when the numbers don’t work out in reality. It’s just not that simple… sleep, wellness, hydration… all other deciding factors.
Plus, let’s not forget I’m achieving ketosis which means I should be achieving higher than normal stored fat usage and also I maintained intermittent fasting every day (16 hours or more), which also has my body in stored fat burning mode all morning before I break my fast.
So can you understand why I feel like my weight should just be FALLING OFF ME???
I’m too chained to the damn scale.
After tomorrow’s weigh-in, I need a scale detox.
I am going to try not to weigh myself for the ENTIRE WEEK until next Tuesday.
If this is all a head trip and I’m messing with my own progress, I need to quit this crap now. If I take it out of the equation, maybe I can get back to enjoying this experience and having the weeks go by at a usual pace, not a snail’s pace like this past week.