Functioning

The state of my life feels exactly as this post is titled.  Lately I feel like a shell of a person.  I’m there, I’m doing the daily tasks, but I’m checked out.
It would fit my mood perfectly if I had one of those t-shirts that said “I don’t want to adult today”.
And it’s not just that.  I feel like quitting… everything.
I want to quit trying to lose weight.
I want to quit my passion project.
I want to quit being a parent.
Absolutely none of those are an option to quit, but I’m just being honest that it’s just how I feel right now.
Yet I still cook the meals, do the dishes, laundry, pay bills, sweep/vacuum the floor, clean up toys, and the kids are fed/changed/bathed/entertained/homework done along with hugs, hand holds, tickling, story time and even my husband of over 18 years & I still have a sex life.
I do all this, but I’m not *feeling* it.  I’m like a wife/mommy robot.  I’ve checked out… or want to.
I’ve lost my drive.
Every day when I’m not doing the wife/mom things, I check out.  All I want to do is sit on the couch, binge watch a Netflix show (currently ‘Party of Five’) and play solitaire on my phone.  That’s it.  That’s ALL I want to do.
As if there aren’t things I could be doing for my passion project (that over 600 members are following me on now, hence why I can’t quit that).  There is a LOT to do with that… more research, finishing a business plan, trying to find a strategic partner and loads more.  But none of that is the “fun” stuff and a lot of it I’ve never done before in my life, so it is overwhelming and intimidating.  I think this is why I’m afraid to even start it.  So, I don’t… I avoid it.  I post and tweet things to keep my audience alive, but don’t really accomplish anything towards my end goal.

As if there aren’t things I could be doing to better my health… taking a walk, lifting weights, drinking more water.  I am in one of those periods where I completely lack motivation and because I’ve gone off the rails too much, I don’t even have a healthy routine to get me through the harder times.
Instead, I’ve just let myself go with whatever whims I was having.  I went 3 days in a row with eating outside my window (intermittent fasting – supposed to stop at 6-6:30 pm and I had snacks past 9 pm) and now I’m finding it SUPER HARD to get back on track.

Yesterday was supposed to be day 1.  OH BOY DID IT FEEL LIKE DAY 1.  I felt like an alcoholic that just decided to stop drinking cold turkey, except for me it’s food and I’m trying to avoid things like tortilla chips with salsa/sour cream/cheese, drinking Ovaltine, having chocolate, popcorn or anything with too much sugar.
Gone are the days I found it easy to not eat carbs.  I’m sure that’d be true if I could manage to get past those first 3 days (which are the hardest).  I’m finding it so hard to make it through without faltering.
All I did all day was think about food… my next meal… what I’m trying to avoid (I know, I know… I *should* be concentrating on what I CAN eat, not what I shouldn’t).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s been 5 days since I started writing… now 20Feb2018.  I made it past that day 1 and even day 2, but Ben & Jerry’s ice cream after my Valentine’s treat of lobster just started me struggling all over again and my weight went back up to where it was basically a WHOLE YEAR AGO.  Ugh.  So much for breaking the trend of not getting going earlier in the year.  I hate this… it makes it feel like I shouldn’t even BOTHER to try to get back on track until mid-March because for several years now, that’s always when I finally get back on track… but I don’t WANT to feel that way… like I don’t have control and the pattern wins.  Damn it I don’t want the pattern to win, but I keep heading in the direction to make it true… yet again.  Argh.

I’m a bit removed from these original feelings I wrote 5 days ago already (oh the healing powers of just typing it out), but I never finished the entirety of what I wanted to document…

It felt like days would go by punctuated by my youngest daughter’s baby monitor.  Turning it off meant the start of my “shift” of being on-duty and turning it on meant getting a break.  It shouldn’t feel that way.  I’m a mom, I shouldn’t feel like an unpaid babysitter, but seriously, that’s the best way to put how I was feeling.
I shouldn’t be so unmotivated that every second I get to myself I was sitting back on the couch, binge watching TV and playing solitaire… oh, and eating too much.
It was like I was just sleepwalking through my life and couldn’t wake myself up.  Once in a while I felt awake, like during a family walk or if I got into a project (like planning the road trip my son will be taking with his grandparents early summer), I felt awake and distracted and it felt great to get out of my own head.
But when it’s over, so is that awakeness and back to the couch I went.
It was never motivation enough to get me to start my own projects.  I just couldn’t get going on my own… it was always outside influence waking me from my mental slumber and always temporary.

I hate to say it, but I felt like I was a bit depressed.  I have only had one major episode of depression in my life and it was completely situational.  Right now, I have no idea what would prompt me to become depressed… not to that degree.
Financial issues are the norm, so I can’t see that contributing.
It wasn’t time yet for PMS (though it is now and yet I’m feeling so much better).
It’s not nutritional insufficiency leading to hormonal imbalances like I experienced last summer.

I just don’t get what caused me to feel so down and disconnected.  But it feels completely brought on by my own choices… like one lazy indulgent day made me feel bad the next day (scale going up, feeling out of control) and because I just got disgusted with myself, it’s like all I could handle to play games and watch TV.  But then doing that constantly was getting me down because I felt so unproductive and that lead me to eat and the next thing I know I’m putting on my jeans that just a few months ago were starting to feel loose only to discover they were back to feeling tight.  Cue more eating and feeling worse and therefore lacking in the motivation to start ANYTHING.

It was a terrible cycle… all brought on my repetitive negative behavior.  But to lose the connection to my family?  That was new.  Usually I’m all in my own head, dealing with my issues, but still feeling life, enjoying my kids and husband and still getting things done…  I’ve never felt so disconnected from all that to the point no part of it gave me joy.
That part scares me.

Luckily, and I can’t tell you what the difference was, I seem to have come out of that funk.  One day I just woke up feeling actually awake… *in* my life instead of a spectator.  All on my own I took control again and started feeling awake.
Stuff still happens, but I’m handling it better now… kids trash my newly cleaned floor with dirt and sand from the outside and I can deal without getting all annoyed, I got summoned for Jury Duty (for ON my birthday, thankyouverymuch) and I deal with it, my hubby wakes me up at 1:50am to have me take him to the ER and I stay awake until 8am and just go with the flow (he’s better now… still figuring out what the cause of his stomach pain was).  I was so tired that day, yet still felt more awake than those weeks I’d checked out.  Instead of dreading dinner, I become more proactive about planning and writing out menus and choosing to make healthier choices, even for my kid’s snacks.

Then my mother-in-law volunteers me for a project – to paint a realistic sea turtle for my niece as a present for her college graduation this spring.  I said yes, but felt reluctant inside… doubting my talents and ability to get started/finish projects, especially given the last few weeks.  But I think I knew it would be good for me, so I agreed.
I spend hours going through existing turtle paintings to draw inspiration and technique until we decided on a combination of 3 different works to create my own.

So now I’m feeling better.  Yesterday was another “day 1” and I just decided to go 100% Keto and that I did.  It was necessary to break my cycle of wanting something sweet and to keep me satisfied so I didn’t snack after dinner.  I made it through.  Yes, I wanted a snack at about 9:30pm (finished eating before 6pm) but I didn’t give in.  I drank my water and watched Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body and then finished a book it’s taken me over a year to finish (Lauren Graham’s Someday, Someday, Maybe) as I was limited to just waiting room reading except the last 45 mins I read at home just to get it done.

Today is “day 2” and I’ve already thought about having popcorn.  I made a yummy frittata for breakfast and was sipping my coffee, thinking about waiting to put my youngest down for her nap and then making it.  I’m still considering it.  I actually haven’t had any popcorn in over a week.  But in attempt to distract myself and give time for my breakfast to settle and feel full from it, I came back to my laptop to complete writing this post.
I also made the decision that if I start feeling snacky while watching ‘Party of Five’, then I should STOP watching it.  I feel like I got into the bad habit of that show making me hungry and me giving into the whim practically immediately… like I’ve linked watching that show to eating.  So, I only watch when I can handle it and step away when I can’t.  It’s not the show’s fault, it’s totally me.  And I can’t stop watching now… I’m almost to the last season!
It’s the same way I associate sitting down to watch a movie with having popcorn.  I’m rather horrified that my 12-year-old already has this association… and it runs DEEP.  The last movie we watched, I refused to let him have popcorn (the rest of us weren’t either and we’d JUST had dinner!) and he must have whined about it at least 4 times throughout the whole movie.  You’d expect that after 20 mins into the movie, all would be forgotten, but instead he’d randomly turn to me and whine “I still want popcorn”.  Ugh.  See what I mean?  DEEP.

It becomes harder to live in the denial of your bad habits when you see them reflected in & imitated by your children.

So I’m doing better… much better in comparison to my “shell” existence.  I went back up to a high of 277.2 and today I’m 274.2 lbs.  That’s still 16 lbs from my recent (mid-November) lowest achieved weight… ouch.  I have some serious damage control to do!

Oh, and my birthday is lurking around the corner… honestly, I think that is one of the biggest factors that messes with my head as far as not breaking the pattern each beginning of the year.  It’s just a day… I wish I could relax about it and stop getting myself down with thoughts of “here I am again, not where I’d thought I’d be by my birthday/this age… still this weight… still fighting this battle, feeling and looking older…” etc., etc., etc.
Getting down about it only exacerbates the issue.   Duh, self.

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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