Somebody Stop Me!!!

What started as a few “last meals” before my husband goes under the knife to shrink his stomach (gastric sleeve), has unfortunately become days of me eating not-so-great choices on days that were supposed to be “recovery” days.
After our big Rioz night (because an all-you-can-eat Brazilian Steakhouse is not an option when your stomach will only be 4 oz large), we had 2 recovery days before another “last meal” which was Chinese.
I was ON POINT for those 2 days… low carb, lots of water and fasted exercise.  In just 2 days, I dropped 6.2 pounds!
Then the Chinese happened.  As predicted, weight gain the next day.  No biggie, I expected that.  But something in my head shifted.
Maybe it was scariness of us hitting the final days… that that was supposed to be the last of the big “last meals”… leaving nothing to “look forward” to in the future.  I did plan for a big breakfast-for-dinner night as well, but that was mostly protein & fat… not far from how I’ve been eating normally.

But every day since and leading up to that I just keep making bad choices.  Recovery days become more days I need to recover from… having Smartfood, corned beef hash, not enough water, no fasted exercise, a Snickers bar, one last Subway order, Ben & Jerry’s and some other things I’m sure I’m not remembering.
In 6 days I’ve gone down 4 lbs, down 2.2 lbs, up 2.6 lbs, up .4 lbs, down 2.6 lbs and then up 1.6 lbs this morning (Subway was yesterday).
Today was supposed to be back to recovery, but I’m like an eating machine!!!

I started off with a salad for breakfast (weird, I know, but my back hurt and I didn’t want to stand too long to prepare my food and it was a premade salad).
Not bad, but then I found myself finishing my son’s Ben & Jerry’s half-baked (3/4 of a pint) since last minute he disappeared to a friend’s house for a 3 night sleepover… leaving it unguarded.  LOL  (and it had been on my mind since last night… I just waited for a moment my hubby wasn’t in the room today)

Apparently that wasn’t enough, so since I totally forgot to include the corned beef hash with our breakfast for dinner night & hubby still wanted it, I made it plus some fried eggs for a “lunch” (it was almost 3pm).
We sat & watched a show (Botched) and I swear I was counting down the minutes for him to go back upstairs to his office (he’s working from home today) just so I could go eat something else!
I ended up having a big bowl of Smartfood.
I think I might finally feel “full”.
But I made this choice, knowing dinner tonight is steaks and garlic butter mini potatoes (a last minute “can we have these with the steak?” request hubby threw in while at the grocery store yesterday).  I don’t usually have so many carb/sugar hits in one day.
And who is going to have the pleasure of eating the leftovers of potatoes?  ME.  No one else.  Hubby only takes protein shakes for lunch at work and none of my kids like potatoes done that way.  Ugh.  I really hate the thought of just throwing them out.  I just haven’t made potatoes a regular thing back in my diet… yet.

I just feel very out of control lately.  In my home I’m an endless eating machine, but the minute I go outside in public (even in my own neighborhood, usually just in the front yard playing with the kids or going for a walk), I instantly regret any bad choices I’d made recently… I feel bigger, unhealthier, out of shape and that my clothes aren’t fitting well.  I just feel FAT.  And I feel a bit judged as some people in our ‘hood KNOW that hubby & I are on a diet, so I feel like they are always checking us out to see if they can see a difference. (Pressure, much?)
But put me back in the comfort and privacy of my home, and that feeling goes by the wayside.
No, my husband’s surgery hasn’t happened yet, but now I’m deathly afraid that this endless pit and lack of control will continue even afterwards.
Will I suddenly get my shit together and stop going crazy?  Am I just freaking out a bit and overcompensating for the changes and restrictions that are about to come?  Yes, I think so.

No, I’m not the one getting the surgery, but our whole family will be feeling & enduring the changes… we aren’t going to order in pizza or get takeout food that he can’t eat.  I even plan not to get any ice cream for at least the first 6 weeks when he can barely eat any food at all (mostly liquids).

So it’s kind of the classic “you can’t” and I react with “yes I can” and I do, even if it’s bad for me.  When will this immature reaction of mine ever stop happening???

Maybe I’m just drawing this out as long as conceivably possible… taking advantage of every day leading up to the surgery while I can because I have the understanding with myself that when surgery day comes, THAT’S IT.
But now I have true fears it won’t be it.  When my hubby is taking a nap upstairs while still recovering, will I be sneaking bowls of Smartfood or cereal or who knows what downstairs?  I really hope not.  That is NOT how it is supposed to play out.

I hope my fear of my hubby rapidly losing weight and visibly changing and looking better while I look the same or worse will kick in and engage my healthy competitive side for me to make big changes as well so we can change in a positive manner *together*.
Lord knows I would have resentment and jealousy if my hubby leaves me in the dust.  KNOWING THIS, I must keep my shit together after the surgery and truly make the changes I’ve been expecting and planning to make since we started this process months ago.

*I* have to stop me.  I can do this.  After all, we are taking our ‘in progress’ photo in just 2 days.  I really hope there is some improvement to our original picture we took back in late April.  My face & top belly being all bloated out from bad choices is totally going to ruin that.  Not cool.
Come on me… get your priorities straight.


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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