Struggling

I was doing so well on Keto… really liking it because I found it easy to stick to, not having cravings or binge tendencies and improving my blood sugar to better than it has been in years.
On the outside everything was so positive, but on the inside was a different story.
If only I felt happy and was losing weight at a rate matching my % effort and on point macros.
Other than my depression (brought on by losing my job & subsequent weight gain) in 2009, I haven’t felt this down, unhappy and irritable… ever.
I’m doubting my parenting capabilities and the quality of my marriage when not that long ago I was feeling happy and lucky.   Nothing and no one else has changed but me.
I don’t LIKE feeling this way because it’s not really “me”.

Since realizing I have basically all the symptoms of hypothyroidism, it’s made me weary to have a diet so high in fat (since that can interfere with the production of hormones) and all of the symptoms came on about a week into following Keto.

Why does my body HATE the ONE diet I like????????????????????????????????

It sucks.

So I’ve been making some changes… I stopped having butter with my eggs (2 eggs, 1 egg white) and started using my Pam butter spray instead (although butter was on the ‘good’ list for Keto, it was on the ‘bad’ list for hypothyroidism).  Then I went back to 3 egg whites all together (my former staple that I never minded), just to lower my fat in general.
Today I skipped the bulletproof coffee for just a couple tbsps cream like I used to have.

The problem is that when I lower my fats, my carbs seem to sneak higher (even via just things like lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, green peppers. etc.) and when that happens, I have cravings come back and bad food thoughts plague my brain.
Yesterday my “cheat” was strawberries.  At first it was whole strawberries that I dipped in 85% cocoa melted dark chocolate (I’m not the biggest sweets person – usually my wants are savory, so this just proves to me my head in not in the right place).  That lead to wanting a strawberry daiquiri (non-alcoholic) after dinner – a summer tradition we have (but not nightly, more like once or twice in the summer).  I used unsweetened frozen strawberries we’d picked last year, Splenda, and a touch of limeade (only ‘added sugar’ item)… it was a healthier version than our usual, but still a TON more sugar than we were used to.

You know what that lead me to?  Having the thought of having a white bread peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  This came at 10:40pm… over 4 hours since my fast time began (I shoot for 16 hours minimum every day).
So did I eat it?  Nope.  I held tight and the feeling passed… eventually.

Have I considered having that today?  Yep.  I also wanted to have a big plate of nachos (which I did breakdown and have a few days ago… hoping to get it ‘out of my system’ and get back on track).
What did I end up eating?
Chicken breast covered in salsa and melted cheese.

This decision was a struggle and a compromise.  It took me over an hour to come to this decision.

I HATE feeling this way.
I’m taking the selenium, zinc & magnesium that are supposed to help thyroid function, but I keep going back and forth about lowering my fats.  I don’t even know how long I have to be taking the supplements to see an improvement if they are even helping.

On one hand, lowering my fats could help my hormone functions and make me feel better emotionally (and maybe start losing weight again?  The scale has just been going up lately).  But on the other, as I lower the fats, the diet mentality grows and food choices become harder and harder.

This sucks.
I really hate feeling like there is something wrong with me… maybe more than I know.
I’ve been getting weird pains, more bruises… but I can explain them away and I’m such a chicken shit with calling to make an appointment for a doctor’s visit (and it really doesn’t help that I don’t have a regular physician right now… haven’t found one since I moved, so it would be me meeting a complete stranger that I won’t even know if I like yet).  At least I have my obgyn.  I have my yearly happening in September and they’ll take a blood sample to test my blood sugar, A1C, other usual values including thyroid function.  So, I could potentially get answers then.
It doesn’t help that my hubby’s medical things this year are costing us a small fortune.  He may have hit his deductible, but I sure didn’t and I’m just afraid to ‘go there’.

If I do lower my fats, this automatically raises my carbs by default (and by craving issues) and my blood sugars will get higher (for which I’m currently out of meds), I won’t get to a state of ketosis (because if it isn’t the carbs going up, it’s the protein) and will probably gain weight or have trouble losing, just like I did prior to starting Keto.
So if doing that improves my mood, how will I EVER KNOW because then I’ll be bummed out and moody because of my weight (really, I can’t differentiate).

In fact, that’s how I knew something was up with me in the first place because normally at any other time in my life, a lower weight on the scale meant a better mood all day and a pep in my step.  Instead, I was losing weight, clothes were fitting better, measurements were smaller and I’d have these horribly moody, irritable days that felt the same as if the scale went up.  I kept saying to myself “I’m losing weight and looking better – why aren’t I in a better mood???”

So frustrating.
I just feel like this is a big conundrum.

There’s no such thing as low-fat Keto, is there?
I really don’t want to eat the carbs… they just lead to more carbs & my blood sugar getting bad again, but I don’t want to not feel satiated either by not having enough fat.  Ugh.  So far I haven’t found a happy medium.
Maybe I should just go full zero carb like that woman in the blog I found.  My protein would obviously be the highest macro, followed by fat.  I just don’t know if the fat would still be too high and interfering with my hormone production.

All I know is, I need to FIGURE SOMETHING OUT and the sooner, the better.  Soon my hubby will have the gastric sleeve procedure and he’ll be shrinking and I don’t want him to be the only one.
I’m willing, I’m able… my body is just not cooperating.

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About personinprogress

A 30-something woman on a mission of self-improvement and lifelong healthy habits. A new 365/50 Project starts Nov 15th 2016!
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