Camera Hog & Frustration

Not for pictures… for video (though I won’t share them publicly).  I think I was a little too inspired by watching ‘Crossing the Blue Line’ on Youtube (catching up on the last 2 episodes).  All of a sudden, I wanted to turn the camera on myself and record how I’m feeling with my weight loss journey.  Plus, things feel tough right now, so I needed to vent.
Well if I was a part of that show, I think I’d get dropped.  I’m WAY TOO long winded.  I’m sure they tell them to keep it under 10 mins a day or something.
Because of my former brain damage, I lose my train of thought SO EASILY and then even a full 5 seconds later, can’t find it again.  This is both frustrating, but also annoying to watch and a time sucker.

I seems like I’m ADD or something… middle of a thought, something catches my eye and I mention it or a kid comes and interrupts me, and I literally HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE what the hell I was JUST talking about.
I seem to be recording myself every couple of hours so far today.  Things just occur to me and I have stuff I want to document.

I don’t think it’s helped me that I started watching previously recorded videos (dating back to 2010 when I *looked* my heaviest, even though I didn’t hit that until late 2013/early 2014).
I’ve been watching 2014 videos and the annoying part is, it was just 3 years ago, I but look older and fatter NOW than I did then.  Seriously, I was just about the same weight (maybe even 2-4 lbs heavier in the video) and yet I look 10-15 lbs lighter.  My jawline is tighter and I just look… better.
I rolled my eyes like “isn’t doing intermittent fasting supposed to help SLOW the aging process???”
But that’s not what the difference was…  I think it was exercise.

Back in the Fall of 2014, I had completed my first 100 consecutive days of exercise (30 mins or more).  This was BIG for me.  I would actually get in an hour or more, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
So I was FIT 270 instead of the FAT 270 I am now (actually 268.8 this morning).

It was proof to me and a wake-up call that I’m not doing *enough* exercise-wise.  Yes, I’ve been “moving” every day and keeping track of it on my fb page (as that was a personal goal of mine for my 40th year), but as long as I do *something* (even just 20 squats), I count it.  I didn’t set any limits that it must be 10, 15 or 30 minutes.  Nope.  Just move.
Don’t get me wrong, doing something – even a little – is better than nothing.  I think that’s the point I was trying to make.
But after seeing that video, I suddenly feel like it is all way too insufficient.

Though my keto couch said exercise wasn’t even necessary for weight loss at the beginning of starting this way of eating, I think that’s for people who had usual consumption of carbs and then went cold turkey and it was more of a “shock” to their system.  Yeah, I bet those people 4 weeks in still don’t have to lift a finger.
Me?  Nope.
It was not that much of a shock to my system.  Normal people lose 10 or more pounds the first week,  I lost 5 lbs.
That’s just how it is, so it’s time I up my game and see if exercise is the missing element to my success on this plan, because lord knows I’ve never followed the eating portion of a diet SO MUCH for THIS LONG with such LITTLE MOVEMENT on the scale.

Sure, I got my “fat whoosh” and finally into the 260’s, but I’ll be honest that it wasn’t the whoosh I was hoping for.  Although happy, I was still disappointed.  And although I’ve been meeting my macros and have continued the same way I have been for 3+ weeks since that lower weight, the scale has done nothing but go UP every single day!  Grr.
First 268.0, then 268.6 and now 268.8.  Why?  WHY?????????????????????????????

Besides exercise being a factor in maybe why I’m not getting as much success as what I expect (or what others seem to be achieving) there’s also the ‘stuffed up’ factor.  I’m talking about my “pipes” getting more backed up recently than they ever have.  Clearly, I am NOT getting in enough fiber and although fats help out that zero carb life lady to keep things “moving” for her, that’s not cutting it for me apparently.
I was a pretty darn regular person until this diet.
Since my official weigh-in day is tomorrow, I’m not taking ANY chances today.  I want a loss tomorrow.  I want at the VERY LEAST to regain my lowest weight of 267.6 on this Project.
So, after inspiring myself to get moving, I took a fasted walk for a little over 30 mins, got down 40 oz of water instead of my usual 20 oz before breakfast, I’m sticking to my low carb life for foods and right now I’m working on a cup of “smooth move” tea since nothing has happened in that department yet today.

Nope, no chances.
I hate to say it, but this feels like a breaking point kind of day.  I’m going to pull out all the stops and have ZERO excuses why the scale should go up or stay the same tomorrow.  ZERO.
What am I going to do if it stays the same or goes up?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lose my freaking mind maybe?????????????

I’ve just NEVER been on a diet of any kind where I stuck to it this much and yet not have my results show on the scale [practically 2 weeks with barely movement?  Heck no.  ANY OTHER DIET (6 week body makeover, moderation & watching calories, etc.) and the scale would be dropping like crazy – I have PROOF in former videos!].  I’m not looking for daily improvement, but every couple of days would be nice.  But the FUCKING SCALE keeps going UP!!!  WTF???

There have been PLENTY of times in my life when the scale went up and it made sense.  This time?  Hell no.  No sense.

I hate that seeds of doubt sneak into my brain and I stop believing in the process when all evidence out there says this should work… especially for an insulin resistant person such as myself.

How is this NOT WORKING???  I barely give my body carbs, so it’s got no food to burn for energy or very little, plus I’m achieving ketosis (which is supposed to have me using stored fat for energy) AND I’m fasting, so for 4 hours or more between the 12th and 16th hour (and I commonly go 17-18 hrs), that’s also supposed to only be using stored fat… so really, I SHOULD BE FUCKING MELTING.

Can you understand my frustration?
(and by the way, it may sound like eating no carb and fasting are making me miserable, but THOSE are the easiest factors for me… not the effort it sounds like when I list it like that… both are really working for me and my schedule… neither are hard to keep going, I just hate feeling like it’s all for nothing)

Sooooooooooooooo, like I said, today feels like make or break it.  Like I BETTER like what I see on the scale in the morning.  If not?  Really I don’t know… I’ll probably just continue and put my stubbornness to good use.

I’m not even going to have any bacon today for fear the increased sodium will have me retain water.
I am not messing around today.
Shit needs to move.  Including me.
If the weather clears up a bit more (it’s raining) and the baby finally goes down for a long nap, I’m going to be lugging 25+ lb stones from my garage all the way to my backyard and up the hill to the stone wall I’m attempting to finish.  Oh, and there are 8 cinder blocks as well I hope to turn into a step for the back gate.

I’m up to 5 videos already today and I’m sure I’m not done.  I’m SO MOODY and my kids are driving me NUTS!!!!!!!!!  I try to “adult” for 5 mins and get distracted and it’s just not the day for that.
I’m trying to make the videos shorter, like 4 mins or less.  But even the “quick” ones are 12 mins each!  Oy.  What can I say, I get distracted!  Surprisingly, I do get to watching these.  I mean I’m watching ones from 7 years ago, 5 years ago, and 3 years ago.  It does help me with my perspective and appreciation of where I’ve come from and what I’ve learned… and that my learning process is NEVER OVER, that’s for sure.
Here’s hoping my mood improves, I don’t kill my children and that tomorrow is a better day.


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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