I Want Off The Roller Coaster

I feel like I’ve titled another post similarly in the past.  Apparently I must be repeating history as well as daily, weekly, and monthly actions as of late.
For those that follow my fb page, you’d think everything was going along great – watching me post with my daily intentional exercise (a goal I gave myself that for every day of my 40th year, I will achieve some sort of intentional exercise).  But in reality, I keep losing and gaining the same damn 10 lbs again and again since before the end of last year.

I was doing great leading up to the start of my 365/50 Project and surpassed my start weight goal and got down to 278.  Then Christmas break happened… travel, limited food choices, rich food choices and well, a lot of holiday food temptations in general.  I spiked back up to 285 (recorded one week after returning back home from the holidays).  That freaked me out, so I regained control (otherwise I knew I was on the track to see 300 lbs again and I flat out REFUSE to go there… again).  At best, I get back down to around 276.  Then something happens.  I’ve noticed that for the last few months I’m just about the same weight every time I get my period… 279/280.  After which I regain my emotional/mental capabilities and focus and re-lose what I had gained.  Only to succumb to cravings during PMS again (sometimes giving me leftovers for days) and poof, right back up to where I was and rinse and repeat.
Ugh.  I’m so sick of this!  I want off this ride!!!

But it’s so much more than PMS cravings.  I’ve been battling food issues I didn’t even know I had (or that haven’t been an issue in a LONG time).  Things like wanting to eat later at night.  With the 16-hour diet (intermittent fasting), I like to be done with all eating by 7 pm at the latest.  I’ve been so great at this for YEARS.  No issues.  It’s past 7? Kitchen’s closed. No problem.

Then,  THEN I just had to point something out to myself.  I’d watched a recent episode of ‘My 600-lb Life’ and the woman they showed really had some serious food addictions and issues.  Seeing someone like that makes me feel more in control because by comparison, I don’t feel like I have issues at all (the same way I feel like a cleanly, organized person whenever I watch ‘Hoarders’… it’s all about comparison).
And that’s when I made the mistake of rehashing former issues (I got the not-so-brilliant idea of remembering what issues I dealt with… it was supposed to make me happy about what I’d achieved or worked through).
I was (am?) a big food hider/sneaker.  I’ve done the thing where I eat an entire package of something, throw away the packaging and then either bury it in the trash can so no one can see or have to take the trash out so there isn’t obvious evidence of what I’d done.
Then the evil thought occurred to me…  the one I wish hadn’t occurred to me… I realized that I’d had complete control EVERY night I’d been doing intermittent fasting and that in a former life, being left alone for so many hours at night (hubby would go to bed at 10pm, giving me 2-3 hours) I could be eating whatever I want when no one would know about it and “getting away” with it.
As I had this thought, I physically felt a jolt through my body.  Like holy crap, I could be being horrible… I have opportunity.  But I hadn’t been and that made me proud, however that bad thought entered my brain like a tiny seed of doubt slipping into the smallest crack and taking root.
I swear that almost EVERY SINGLE NIGHT since, I have found myself hungry in the evening… desperately wanting a snack, but knowing how late I’d have to wait to eat the next day in order to fast for 16 hours had me choosing not to eat.  But I absolutely HATE that this is an issue I now deal with!  It’s wasn’t BEFORE I had this realization!!! Gah!  How could I have messed with my own head SO much??  And why can’t I un-do it just as easily?
I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
I’ve never self-sabotaged THIS much in all my history of trying to lose weight.

That was a few weeks ago.  It’s gotten better, but now I’m facing old demons during the day instead.  If I’m having a low/no carb day (which works best for my body), what starts as a positive realization of “I haven’t had any carbs today” becomes a negative one and then I find myself craving carbs like crazy… and usually the simple kind.  Crap.
What a total head trip!  I was doing great and feeling full and satisfied… why oh why did that happen?  I get so damn obsessive sometimes and drive myself crazy with diet mentality!
And since then, I’m finding myself in a food craving rut.  Lately it’s been cheesy chips (tortilla chips with salsa splattered on them and shredded cheese that I melt in the microwave).  I want these EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  They are a 600-700 calorie hit.
I try to go without and I just end up eating other things first, then having them anyway, just later in the day.
I have a sweet craving too.  The last time I had PMS, I went a little crazy in the grocery store (I shouldn’t be allowed there 1-2 days before my period!)  It involved chips and sweets.  Both of which gave leftovers for like a WEEK (torture! Because I can’t throw it away, but if it’s in the house, I want to eat some EVERY day until it is gone… very much a bad food behavior I’ve had forever).  So I unfortunately got “used to” having something sweet every day.  This becomes not only a habit, but a craving at the molecular level.  They’ve proven sugar is more addicting than crack, right?  It’s no joke.  It’s so hard to get beyond this habit.
I finished all the PMS treats (or put them in the freezer because I don’t like frozen chocolate), but have found alternatives to get my “fix” (fat free/sugar free pudding, ovaltine, defrosting cookies from the freezer [that I froze in the first place so I’d stop eating them], my daughter’s sugar-free popsicles).  Not good because I’m STILL having something sweet (real sugar or not).
I know the only way out is cold turkey and a hard 3 days, but I can’t seem to get day 1 down.

The craving and want is so strong that other night I was so desperate for something chocolate, I actually went into the freezer for that frozen bag and had a couple of handfuls (chopped Andes Candies for baking).  Pathetic.  Proves how messed up my head is right now.

Oh, and sodas.  I seem to have at least one every day again.  Yes, they are sugar and calorie free, but that’s not the point.  My 4-year-old sees me doing this and now she wants a soda every day too. 😦
Not good.

I just feel like I’m battling some food addictions issues I thought were long and done with and it’s not just one, it’s like three or more.  I feel overwhelmed and behind the 8 ball again.  It’s feeling a lot harder to “do the right thing” than it did before the holidays.
It kills me that I’m still around the weight I was when my project began 4 months ago tomorrow.  FOUR MONTHS.  17 weeks.  I could be down 17-25 lbs by now!

ARGH.

And of course, as the days continue and another Tuesday comes and goes (what is supposed to be my weigh-in day), I get more discouraged and further behind in my goals… which let’s face, add to my problem of getting going… as annoyingly ironic as that is.
I have spent YEARS trying to improve the exercise portion of my equation for weight loss and here I am struggling with the food side more than anything.  Who would have thought?
Something else happened today.
I’d posted previously about giving my first home up Deed in Lieu because a) we’d discharged it in a bankruptcy years ago, b) it’s under water and wouldn’t sell, even as short sale and c) we were really sick of being long-distance landlords for the last 8 years & losing money monthly.  Well, today I got the notification from Zillow that the home had been “sold”.   I finally went in, deleted some photos, erased the home description and “unclaimed” the ownership of the home… something I’d been putting off.

I should be happy it’s official in all aspects now.  But I’m not.  I feel sad and like a failure.  We did not sell the home.  I guess Zillow just uses the term “sold” even though it was just given back to the bank… deed in lieu and for the amount we still owed to the first lien.  I like that it cleans the slate and to the eyes of anyone looking at the house online, it seems like a normal status (no record of pre-foreclosure, etc).  It just looks like a clean sell/buy transaction.  I think that’s why I felt ok about deleting info and releasing my ownership because it made more sense now… from an outside prospective.

The burden is lifted and based on how we handled the 1099 form from the 2nd lien (which we received because they finalized their deed in lieu before the end of last year) by filling out form 982 to cancel out what they were claiming as “income” for us (meaning it was a wash and we got our normal tax refund), we should feel more positive about having to do the same thing for the 1st lien next tax season and not have a HUGE tax burden.  It won’t truly all be “final” until we successfully do our taxes for 2017, but it certainly felt a lot more final today.
Oh, and because we did Deed in Lieu, even though we hadn’t lived in the house for years, we got a “relocation incentive” of $10,000 (basically, “cash for keys”).  If we’d gotten rid of this home any other way (short sale, foreclosure), we would have gotten nothing or even had to spend money (lawyer).  I’m still in shock we got anything.  But we actually deserved it seeming we’d put in over $40,000 of improvements on the home over the last 14 years including a brand-new kitchen and added half bath, not to mention the headache of being a long distance landlord while trying to keep the house afloat and losing $100 – $200+ per month for all 8 years.  This unexpected money is now affording us a fence for the backyard at our new home.  It is very needed seeming my 4-year-old can let herself out of the locked & child protected back door and likes to wander off in the neighborhood!

I started writing this hours ago and am just getting to finish up and I have to say, the magic of writing it out is already working.  I’ve lost count how many times writing out my issues (and usually sharing) has magically fixed whatever issues I’d been dealing with.  All I know is that I’ve felt better and in more control ever since I got the majority of this written out.  Hooray.
Sometimes talking it out doesn’t cut it… writing and sharing are the answer.  It’s too bad dealing with my three kids and life in general has my writing time limited.  I haven’t properly plucked my eyebrows in months and I don’t even shower regularly enough, so writing is a low priority.  When I do finally write, it is at the detriment of something else.  The dishes don’t get done, my son or hubby have to hold/deal with the baby, loss of sleep, loss of tv time (watching shows is the only way I can shut my brain off)… writing always comes at the expense of something else.  I cause my own issue here because I wait SO LONG in between posts I have way too much to catch up on, so it’s never a simple, short post.  Then the longer it takes, the more gets sacrificed.
Ah well, it won’t always be like this.  Someday, all my kiddos will be off doing their own thing and this house will be too quiet and I’ll have nothing but time on my hands.

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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One Response to I Want Off The Roller Coaster

  1. I’ve been meaning to comment since yesterday, but haven’t had the chance yet. Whew! Weight loss is no joke. It’s not a simple thing. There are so many aspects of one’s life (both past and present) that can have an effect. I think that the fact that you’ve been able to identify the problems is the beginning of a solution in itself. Perhaps you need a little outside help to get past the plateau you seem to be at? My husband has been working hard to lose weight over the past years. He was at 350 lbs and managed to get down to 300 before hitting a plateau. After struggling, he started seeing a nutritionist. Then, he lost another 20 pounds before hitting another plateau. He started seeing a psychologist (for other stuff, not for weight loss) and lo and behold, he started losing weight again. One thing that helps him a lot is giving himself the right to one or two cheat meals per week. I wish you the best!

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