wtf?

I’m having one of those “what the fuck am I doing?” moments tonight.  It’s more like what I haven’t been doing… haven’t been logging my calories, haven’t been walking consistently, haven’t been drinking enough water, haven’t been making the best food choices, haven’t been putting in much effort…
Days are turning into weeks and I swear the scale goes up daily (or just feels that way on the days I don’t get a chance to weigh).
At first it made sense… the vacation, the travel food.  But every day since that first weigh in back at home my weight has continued to go up.  At first it made ZERO sense to me, but then I got my period early and was like ohhh… ok, that sort of explains it.  But since then, still not much progress, but my actions (or lack of) would explain that… sort of.

I went back to what I call the ‘wishing phase’.  When each day I look forward to being smaller, being more active, having less aches and pains… like I’ll miraculously wake up much smaller one day… that tomorrow I’ll eat only the good stuff and drink lots of water and get ‘back in it’, and then the next day comes and it’s no different than the last and I go back to wishing.
Ugh.
And seeing my weight maintained or gain on the scale just puts me in a mood all day and I’ve started to have those days again when I get NOTHING done and it’s completely a reflection of how I’m feeling about myself.  I’m not talking about not making dinner, doing to dishes or even laundry… those get done regardless.  I mean other productive things beyond normal housework.
Prior to vacation I was doing something daily… but lately, nothing.  This gets me even more down.  It’s an evil snowball effect and I hate feeling this way!  I hate that I don’t have anything to report to my husband about what I did that day and I hate that my back hurts, my legs hurt, my foot hurts and the fact that I swear it’s taking more effort to just get up the stairs.  I feel like I’m over 300 lbs again (thankfully I’m not).  I’m so blah that Tuesday came and went and it didn’t even occur to me it was supposed to be an official weigh-in day.

So what brought on the clarity I feel tonight enough to say “what the fuck am I doing?”  I’m watching a new episode of ‘My 600-Lb. Life’.
Why do I always seem to need shows like these to set my mind straight or finally get me to put in the effort?  Do I need to be scared?  Motivated?  Why isn’t my actual life motivation enough?

I just see how these severely obese people are living and I find it scary that I can far too easily relate to them and I know that I’m looking at my future if I don’t do something now… right now.
Within the first 10 minutes of watching tonight, I drank down 16 oz of water, got off the couch and did 20 squats.
I haven’t done a squat in over 2 months.

I hate that it seems like I always need these in-my-face reminders of what will come if I don’t make better choices.  It makes me sad.  It makes me fearful.
Yet at the same time, since I know it motivates me, I need to use it for everything I can get out of it.  Gotta do what works, right?  No matter how silly or ridiculous.
This is probably why I wrote my “where are all the weight loss shows?” post… I NEED them.  They are what keep me in line.  Yikes.  I don’t like that.  I don’t see how I can help that though.  It is what it is.
I just hope my new-found inspiration and clarity gets me further than better choices this evening and that it trickles into tomorrow and the next day.

Ever since I got back and more weight has come on, I am achier.  My legs ache every night and I haven’t done much on them during the day.  My plantar fasciitis is worse in my right foot with much less activity (that’s rare).  And now I’m getting lower back pain… what I call my ‘fat back’ pain (that just means my body reacting to a weight gain and letting me know via back pain… it’s NOT a good sign… it’s a wakeup call).

I don’t even want to do the math for where I “should” be on the Project.  I just know I’m pretty off from it right now, but at the same time it’s only January and would not be an impossible feat to catch up, but it will be if I don’t get started again.

I just can’t believe I’m feeling this way.  The only explanation I have is that my success went downhill the moment my baby’s sleeping habits got worse.  I hate to ‘blame’ it on that, but if anything, I’ve learned I don’t do well when I haven’t gotten enough sleep.  It seriously makes all the difference for me.

For the last month, I’ve been lucky to get 4-5 disjointed hours of sleep a night with the exceptions of weekends when my hubby lets me sleep in and I get 4-5 disjointed, but then 3 connected extra hours after that.
I really can’t help if my baby screws up my sleep… I just hope it gets better.   I’m not sure I’m capable of working through the lack of sleep and forcing the better choices.  That has literally NEVER worked for me as the better choices don’t occur to me when my brain isn’t functioning correctly.
And I’m behind the 8 ball as it is as my brain never fully recovered from the damaged caused by my second baby.
I know it isn’t as bad as it was back then, but it’s enough that it’s sorely affecting my progress.
So I can be inspired and get motivated, but after a shitty night’s sleep, that all goes out the window the next day and I’m back to each day leading to the next with no positive change.
Here’s hoping baby can get back (or closer to) her former awesome sleep habits and I can rule her out as an excuse for no progress.  I really don’t want her to be, but it is what it is.

I need change so I can be a happier person.  I don’t like the way I’ve felt the last few days… it’s not good.  I am capable.  I am in control.  I can do this.  I can handle this.
That mental crossing guard in my head that stops the bad choices from crossing the road and becoming actions needs to get back ON DUTY (that bitch seems to have gone on vacation for the last month!).  It’s the best way I can explain what happens mentally to me when making a decision to eat something.
If that crossing guard isn’t there, those bad choices are made because they got to cross the street.  But when she’s on duty, there’s no stopping me and it’s easy for me to make the best decisions.
I need to figure out a way to make sure that guard is always there, for the rest of my life… no matter what.

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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