Re-inspired

I realize my last post was a bit dark.  In continuing to reread the beginning posts of this blog (because I finished reading my original Project), I recognized that I just have very bad days sometimes.  I happened to come upon a post rather like the one I just did. It was the Reader’s Digest edition back then, but a dark day nonetheless.  It made me feel better and a little less hopeless seeing how I could manage a day like that, even in the middle of success.  And frankly, just blogging it out and sharing it already improved my mood for the rest of the evening that day.
But that isn’t what re-inspired me.  That came last night.  My hubby went in the other room and started a Skype conversation with his parents.  It was his dad’s birthday and he wanted to show off the baby seeming she was awake and they haven’t met her yet (they live 700 miles from us).  I just wish my hubby would *announce* when he’s doing that so we could all be aware and ready… anyway.

The MOMENT I saw my mother-in-law, my jaw dropped a bit.  She is looking FABULOUS.
A little background for those not in the know already, my MIL has always been an inspiration of what NOT to do for me.
She’s been obese the entire time I’ve known her and due to all that weight on her poor knees, she had to resort to driving around on a scooter in her house (or rolling on one of those stool-type seats, but on wheels – like the doctor’s seat in an examination room) and she even had one of those lifts installed to bring her up and down the stairs since she couldn’t do it herself anymore.
She spent her days drinking Pepsi and eating whatever.  I think she’d starve herself most of the day and then overeat on snacks in the afternoon and dinner.  I never saw her ever drink water.  Everything 100% fat, high sodium, bacon/beef/gravy… all very common items on the menu.  She had one of the largest butts I’d ever seen.
I remember my hubby’s girlfriend (back when we were just friends) warning me not to be too shocked when I was about to meet his mother for the first time.  She wasn’t kidding.  Each cheek was like a large watermelon.  Seriously.  That was back when she could still walk and was too proud to utilize a walker or canes, but she was already hunched over a bit.  I literally have no idea how tall she is because I’ve never seen her stand up straight.

I saw her as my future if I didn’t make changes for the better and that has always been in the back of my mind.
But last night?  Her face so much thinner, bonier shoulders, you could see her collarbone and she was wearing a necklace… something I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed in the last 18 years.  She has a short, spunky haircut and just looked fabulous.
Granted, she had gastric bypass a little over a year ago, so she didn’t lose a ton of weight all on her own, but it does still require a life change and lots of effort.  I’m proud of her.

Weight loss has been slower than most patients because she refuses to “follow the rules”.  She doesn’t do protein shakes (something my sister still does and her surgery was over 5 years ago) and barely drinks enough water (at the point we last visited she was only having two 12 oz bottles every day and she felt like that was “a lot”!!!  Yikes) and eats everything she used to (chips, ice cream) and ate chicken, beef, popcorn and a few other things that usually are not on the list (or even possible) to eat in the first few months post-surgery.
I guess she must be sticking to smaller portions so she can still be successful.
Regardless of her going against the rules, she’s doing it HER WAY and apparently, it’s working.  I can respect that.

So the moment I saw her on our big TV screen via Skype looking so thin and fabulous, my immediate thought was “I’m going to start the 6 Week Body Makeover tomorrow!”
Yep, that was my immediate thought.  That translates to “what the fuck am I waiting for? Why haven’t I been doing more?”.
I vowed years ago I’d never do full on 6 Week Body Makeover again because it was very strict and would definitely get me back into a bad diet mentality situation that I struggle with falling back into as it is.
And yet, I’m running out of time and the 6 Week Body Makeover has the majority of participants losing 25-30 lbs or more in the first 6 weeks (including me back in 2003).   I just want to be down 15 lbs before Christmas.   See the allure?

I only have 7 weeks from today before we’ll be at my in-laws for the holidays.
Why is that such a big deal?  Because for the FIRST TIME EVER my MIL wants to take a family picture with all of us (including my hubby’s brother and his family).  See what losing weight does?  Now my MIL isn’t afraid of cameras!!!

These pictures will be FOREVER.  I’m sure the best one will become an 8 X 10 or larger, proudly framed and on display for years to come and all to see at my MIL’s house.  I would HATE if I looked the way I do right now.
I’m so hard on myself, I probably wouldn’t even like me 15 lbs lighter from now because at a certain distance, pictures of me aren’t flattering.  I’m harsh on myself, I know.  But I tell you what, if I did get down those 15 lbs, *I* would know (no one else would care) and therefore I’d be a happier me and know every time I see that future picture on the wall, what I achieved prior to it.
Or I could be looking at a photo of me where I am now… I’ll remember failing, stumbling, the gaining-losing-gaining-losing roller coaster and the holiday indulgences that I didn’t manage to recover from and that I hated how big I was for that photo.

Which one of those scenarios sounds better to you?  Yeah, thought so.

I caught up to the part in my blog when I did my weight loss experiment which turned out to be even more frequent, smaller meals and it did seem to help me.  Even though I have a 2-month-old I work my day around, I might be able to attempt that again.

So far today I’ve had some egg whites and homemade oatmeal with strawberries & blueberries and I’ve drank down 22 oz of water already (I got downstairs at 9:15am and had this done by 10:00am… that’s more water than I usually achieve by that time).
I’m feeling a little clueless and unplanned for what exactly my small snacks/meals will be throughout the day though.  Total mind block.  I’ve been bad about figuring out what to have for lunch these days.  Sometimes I just have a bowl of cereal (twice in the last week, but not usually a norm).  Maybe thinking of them as snacks and not “lunch” will help me think of ideas.  Like pistachios, tomato with fresh mozzarella and basil, two 100 calorie Greek yogurts…
The goal is to stick to around 200 calories per “snack”.  Well, I *think* that’s my goal.  I need to visit my Excel sheet to figure out my correct calorie range I should be trying to achieve.  I had done it a few weeks ago, but my breastfeeding (pumping) is practically non-existent, so I don’t have to factor any more calories in for that anymore.
I personally think my calories have been way too high.  Especially when I reread my blog and see I was having 1500-1800 calories per day.  Couldn’t tell you the last time I only had that!  Yikes.  So yeah, I need to go check out my current BMR and TDEE.

Back to seeing my MIL looking great… I emailed her after the fact (because my kids were being rather disruptive as they become hams in front of a camera) and told her I thought she was looking fabulous.  She responded twice – first saying thank you and then this morning saying how I made her day… no, her year!  Aw.  She deserved a compliment!

And although my first response to seeing her last night was starting something *tomorrow*, the minute we got off the call with them, I started drinking down my water like I hadn’t drank in a week.  And after my hubby went to bed at 10pm, I put the night owl baby in her stroller and walked laps in the house for 15 minutes (until baby got fussy).  That’s 15 minutes of exercise I would NOT have had if not for seeing my MIL.  I just know I can DO MORE than I do.  I can eat better; I can drink more water and I sure as hell can sneak in some more exercise than I do.
I CAN do this.  I even have a pretty awesome baby that would ALLOW me the ability to do more (read: getting decent sleep).  Speaking of that, it’s now after 11am and she’s still sleeping, which has allowed me to make a healthy breakfast, enjoy it AND blog!  Granted, she didn’t go down for the night until 1:30am, but she does make up for it.  We really need an earlier schedule!

So this is just typical me… one post really down and the next all upbeat (and a lot of the time vice versa I’ve noticed).  Here’s hoping the good days outweigh the bad ones.

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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