The Ugly Truth

I’m going to be real honest here.  Stuff like what I’m about to share I normally keep to myself.  It may seem like I share every thought in my head, but really I hold back sometimes.  I never wanted to be completely honest because I didn’t want to bum anyone out… including myself… like if I didn’t write it out, these feelings and thoughts never happened.
I am so grumpy today.  I’m not entirely sure what it was that triggered it as there have been a few things “off” today.
First, the blessed baby who slept 12.5 hours and allowed me a SUPER productive day yesterday (so much so I got all of our outdoor Halloween decorations put away before 10 am – several blow-ups, spiders, lights, ghosts hanging from trees – we go all out, so that was no small feat) decided to keep me up until 1:30am before she’d finally go to sleep for real.  I’d been up since 4 am, so that was a LONG day.

Even after getting a decent amount of sleep, I still felt exhausted and dragged my ass out of bed this morning, feeling like I barely got any sleep.  So that was a bad start.
After that, I picked up on the fact that my sweet baby was going to have a more ‘needy’ day.  She’s usually good about independent playtime her floor mat and bouncy seat in between feedings and naps, but not today.  And she won’t nap more than 20-30 minutes which is quickly driving me nuts.

Sometimes I don’t feel cut out to be a mom.  I actually get moody when my kids are needy!  That can’t be normal. With not getting a ‘break’ today (because the baby usually gives me *something* over the course of the day), I’ve snapped at my 3-year-old to be quiet several times because she decides to come over and play with her loud toys during the 2 seconds the baby is sleeping.  And I just bit my son’s head off because he couldn’t remember the conversation we had  last night about his bathroom.
He’d done an inadequate job cleaning it (really, he’s been doing a crap job for a year now, so now the stains are setting in around the toilet, and that was a brand new toilet, so it pisses me off).  I sprayed some cleaning stuff over the bad parts and told him that he was to do nothing else after school until he wiped/scrubbed clean wherever I sprayed.
He comes home from school, is eating his snack and mentioning Xbox upstairs and I ask him what he’s supposed to get done before anything else.  He makes a face… his clueless one… and like he’s actually thinking about what it was he was supposed to do and has NO CLUE.  Really?
How is it my son can get straight A’s in school and be such a moron at home?  I know that sounds harsh, but we always get this slow, lazy, lackadaisical version of him at home – he can’t answer a straight question and although we’ve had his hearing checked many times, just doesn’t hear us when we’re talking to him.  When talking to him we feel like an adult in a Charlie Brown cartoon… waa wa wah wa waa.  It’s like he’s in his own little world when he’s at home… in a bubble we can’t seem to penetrate.  I can’t remember the last time we actually engaged in a decent back and forth conversation!  Did I mention he’s only 11?

Even before that, I felt like an endless pit today.  Besides being tired, I was happy with what I saw on the scale… finally rebounding a bit.  I made healthy breakfast (the longest break the baby gave me was to make my omelet), but afterwards I got that all-to-familiar pull to eat something filling and sweet (something I’ve been battling for most of my postpartum life).
I opted for some pumpkin seeds and drinking tea.
I’d eaten the small stash of my favorite Halloween treats yesterday and was happy they were gone.  I was so sure I wouldn’t go into my kid’s stash.  But…  I did.  Kolby wanted some of hers and I took some too.
I was hoping that I’d finally feel satisfied.  Nope.
I went on to make a pot of lobster chowder (from a can) and ate it with saltines.
After that I was STUFFED.
But do you know what’s sick and twisted?  I STILL WANTED TO EAT MORE.
Clearly this is NOT hunger.  I thought about MORE Halloween candy… seriously?
As my belly felt uncomfortably full, I went for a stick of gum to just get a sweet taste in my mouth.

It’s days and moments like these I actually thought to myself (and here’s what I never share)… maybe I’m just meant to be fat forever.
After all, a healthy minded person with a good relationship to food does NOT have such thoughts or actions!!!
I was happy with what the scale said, but I was inspired and excited to see a little lower… did following up on that goal mean eating every damn thing in the house?  No.  No rational, healthy minded person reacts that way.
I am messed up today.

Let’s go back to a couple hours before the candy and soup.  I’m part of a closed group on Facebook that is made up of a bunch of ladies who all had August due dates.   A few days ago we started a mommy confession thread… stuff like ‘I pretend I’m asleep so my husband has to get up for the baby’ or ‘I prop the baby’s bottle to get more hands-free time’ or ‘I haven’t taken a shower in 4 days’… stuff like that.
Well, today someone started a thread of times we ‘slay’ at being mom’s… the parts when we’re awesome.
Lots of people have posted.   I sat there thinking and all of the examples I thought of were times my kids have been great on their own… or me doing good *on my own*, concerning my life… not my life as a mommy. What has been one of my moments I slayed at being a mommy?
Ahh?  Hmm…
I got nothing.
It’s been hours and I STILL can’t think of an example to share.  I feel like going back to the confession thread and confessing there that I can’t think of a DAMN THING I’ve “slayed” as a mom!

Maybe this is what depressed me… maybe what set me off on top of feeling tired and strained by the baby.
I’m overfed, snappy at my children and wondering if I’m a shitty, selfish mom and if I’ll just be fat forever.  Yeah, this is an awesome day.

I don’t even like the way I’ve written this post… it doesn’t feel like it flows.  After my ‘fat forever’ thought I actually thought ‘I’m starting another project? Why so I can fail again?’
Wow.  Just wow.  God I’m mean.

I just want to cry and sleep.  Am I PMSing?  I can only hope that’s it… then it’s temporary.

About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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