Just One of Those Days

Wasn’t it just yesterday I was all excited about starting up a competition with myself? What the hell happened to me today???  This is one of those days I think I will need another year of me blogging to get to the bottom of.
So it all started first thing this morning.  It’s a Monday, so I wanted to weigh myself as that’s what usually happens (even though my project will be starting on a Tuesday, so I’m going to have to get used to a Tuesday weigh-in a few weeks from now), and even before I hopped on that scale, I reminded myself that I ate something at dinner that had a bit more sodium than my body is used to, so chances are the number could go up and I would be ok with that.
With all that in mind and a reason for any gain set to go so I didn’t get bummed out, I stepped on the scale.
Up by .4 lbs.  Not bad at all.  I even said to myself that it could have been worse as I can easily pack on 2-3 lbs overnight due to water weight.
So I shrugged it off in hopes to have another good day… drinking lots of water, making better food choices and sneaking in a little extra movement for exercise.

Usually I’m hungry and want breakfast right away, so after feeding the baby, it was my next task, followed by pumping if baby cooperated… otherwise, I wait until she does as I’m the only adult on duty all day.
But I found myself not hungry at all yet.  That’s fine.  I’ve since learned via ‘The 16 Hour Diet’ that intermittent fasting is actually healthy for you (not that I was close to hitting 16 hours though).  So I drank down my water and got my pumping done first.
A bit later I found myself with a baby-free moment and thought “hmm… I don’t feel hungry yet” and I swear the minute I thought that, I felt hungry.
So off to the kitchen I went.
Did I immediately want to make the healthier choice like the last two mornings when I did effortlessly?  Nope.  I really had to convince myself to make the better choice.
Egg whites and Ezekiel bread it was (because I just knew making homemade oatmeal was going to take too much effort I apparently wasn’t willing to give at the moment).

Even before I was done cooking it, I was already looking forward to it and glad I made that choice.
Then the phone rings.  It’s my mother.  Conversations with her are rarely short.
So my breakfast was prepared and I end up sitting on the couch, talking to her and eating my breakfast.
Not good.
I was distracted the entire time I was eating… totally not appreciating it or registering it.
About 10-15 mins after I finished eating, our conversation was finally over and I remember looking at my plate like “huh… breakfast is over?”
I felt that all too familiar deep pit in my stomach… that need to be satiated with something filling… didn’t matter if it was sweet or savory… just wanted to be filled up and it usually took something not-so-healthy.
I tried to wait it out… fight against it.  If I give in, I’ll only get that feeling the next day and the day after that, and the day after that… I’d been dealing with that since a few weeks postpartum (now 11 weeks out).
So I drank down more water and hot tea.
Nope, not working.
I tried to distract myself with baby and a little kitchen clean up.
Finally, over an hour later and that feeling still there, I make a snack I’d thought of last night that I wanted to try:  tomatoes, basil, mozzarella, black olives and avocado with Greek dressing.
I cut up all the veggies & added the dressing (completely forgot about adding fresh basil from my plant on the window sill) and it was delicious.
I enjoyed every bite and was not distracted for this meal.
Did I feel satisfied yet?
I waited a bit more to see if the feeling would pass.
It didn’t.
Then on to my usual failsafe for stopping the hunger… homemade popcorn.
I made it.  I ate it.  Was I satisfied YET?
What the heck?  Why do I have these days where only something really not good for me will fill that “void”?
So at that point I’m just like ‘fuck it’ and I had a big bowl of Apple Jacks cereal with Rice milk and FINALLY, I’m good.

Cereal was honestly what I thought of after my unfulfilling breakfast, but I attempted not to give in and figured it was me just having one of those deprivation driven moments because my unconscious knows my conscience self wants to go on a weight loss venture again, so it’s freaking out thinking I’ll never allow certain foods again, which is not how I roll anymore as I believe in moderation of ALL food… just to AVOID that feeling of deprivation.

Why do I have these endless pit days?

And even after I finally felt that satiated full feeling, I still ended up snacking on a mini Laffy Taffy & 2 mini Snickers in the late afternoon (thanks to some early Halloween candy in the house) and after dinner (salmon & jasmine rice) I had 3 peppermint patties.
Wasn’t the cereal enough?  Geez, you’d think I was PMSing, which I assure you is NOT the case right now.

I am baffled by today.  I’m still excited for my project, I still want to keep my goal of losing 4.8 lbs by the time it starts.   I just wish I knew the for sure reason I have days like these.  Maybe I’ll figure it out in the next year.  Here’s hoping.


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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