I know it’s been forever since I published anything. I figured it was time for an update. Other than my post about Gilmore Girls, I haven’t done a “real” post in two years. Wow… 2 years. I will tell you this, time goes so much faster when you don’t work a full-time job and are a stay at home mom instead. I’ve been living in the south for 7 years now and it feels like only about 3 years. As of December, I will have been out of work as many years as I worked at the place from which I lost my job. Those 8.5 years while working felt like 15, but the 8 years as a SAHM? Maybe 5 years.
Time in a funny thing.
So the “quick” catch up is that now I am the mommy to a 10 year old, 3 year old and 1 month old. I recently did my own photo shoot and am very proud of the photo I managed of my 4 week old.
This result makes me wish I’d tried to do a nice photo session with my other two… ah well.
My second child, my first girl, took a LOT out of me. Prolonged sleep deprivation that lead to brain damage and gaining 60 lbs (I’m sure I published my woes here at some point, but that brain damage was for real and I honestly don’t remember). Only this past Spring, at almost 3.5 years old she JUST started sleeping through the night with any consistency.
Since the baby, she’s reverted a bit and comes into our room once a night about 5 out of 7 nights. It was a nice month and a half I had without her interrupting my sleep, but unfortunately being so pregnant, I had to get up to pee anyway. But my bladder interrupting my sleep is so much better than my daughter catching me in the middle of a sleep cycle with her current excuse for waking me up.
The only reason I thought I could handle a 3rd baby after such a trying time with the 2nd was that I just knew there was no way I’d give birth to another her. It *had* to be different this time.
THANK GOODNESS IT WAS.
My new baby girl is so chill. She only cries when something is actually wrong. Her biggest issue is when she’s dealing with gas and it only seems to happen during the day. She actually sleeps pretty good at night and has more awake time during the day. At 2 ½ weeks she didn’t even cry during diaper changes… even when I’m undressing her at night, exposing her from her warm, comfy place and putting a freezing cold wipe on her butt… no crying. I just think this is amazing.
So since she’s so much more of an “easy” baby (I use that word lightly as even with the best baby, they still don’t sleep that long and there still is a constant level of exhaustion and a life of repetition… feed, sleep, pee, poop, cry, feed…) at first I felt like a million bucks when I got back from the hospital.
My pain management and recovery from my c-section was really good and I felt so capable. I was keeping up with dishes, laundry, cleaning up the house, updating baby books, taking pictures, drinking water because I wanted to, enjoying the weight falling off of me and each day discovering clothes that fit me again and two days later having them be even looser, watching my body shrink in the mirror and my jawline come back and got back what I considered my own appetite.
During my pregnancy I ate like crap… pasta, bread, subs, chips, no veggies, not enough water… but it’s all I wanted/could stomach. I actually didn’t like it. I couldn’t wait to want veggies and healthy choices again in my postpartum life.
At first it was true that I got my normal eating habits back. My appetite was less, I wanted for the good stuff, and had it, until I realized that via my breast milk, it was bothering my new baby (read: broccoli, onions, garlic, etc).
A week and a half in, I had to start pumping and supplemented my baby with formula (I didn’t have any breast milk stored up and my milk supply wasn’t sufficient for my baby who’d lost over 10% of her weight). I started an herbal supplement to help my production and immediately, I felt hungry all the time and was suddenly eating stuff that I couldn’t believe. Two days in I was enlightened to find out one of the ingredients of the supplement was an appetite stimulant!!!!!!!!!!
I need that like a hole in the head. Even after getting down 40 lbs, I still have about 75 lbs (or more) to lose.
So I quit the supplement in an attempt to go back to my healthier eating as prior to taking it, I’d been losing weight every day since the birth. In 2 weeks I was down 40 lbs and absolutely flying high and feeling so good about myself. I even got 16 lbs under my conception weight.
I wanted that losing streak to continue and utilize those 500 calories my body burns a day because I’m breastfeeding (well, exclusively pumping now – baby has a lazy latch and cracked my poor nipples like crazy and once the bottle was introduced, she wouldn’t go back to the breast).
So for a few days after quitting the supplement, I did go back to losing weight and eating better and still managing to up my breast milk supply.
But somewhere in there I think I upped my supply enough to enter into the stage where the breastfeeding hunger starts. I had that issue with my last baby too.
Breastfeeding hunger is NOT like regular hunger. It all-encompassing. It feels impossible to say ‘no’ to yourself for something you really want to eat and you just have hunger pangs ALL. THE. TIME.
My body doesn’t care if I had a snack at 10 pm… while up at 2 am to feed the baby, I feel my stomach growling… that’s how bad it is.
The next thing I know I’m having a second breakfast, second lunch, second dessert and gained back 10 lbs.
So I started making those deals with myself – you know the ones… “tomorrow I will start making better choices and drinking more water” and then tomorrow comes and it’s the same shit… you’re starving, you grab whatever it was you wanted and 2 pm comes along and you realize you’ve only had about 8 oz of water (the rest was decaf tea).
I pulled that crap for 2 days. Then I decided to have some more accountability, so back to Sparkpeople once again to log my food.
My first day looked like this meme:
The second day I switched and had higher calories earlier in the day. This backfired because I still wanted a big calorie surge in the evening.
Third day… eh… somewhere in between. Decent on calories, not so much on quality. Ended well. Just remembering (and writing about) how awesome I felt when I was in control and losing weight got me inspired again (it’s taken me 2 days to write this post… life with an infant).
So far so good today food-wise. I like being in control… it just gets me in a better mood. Not to mention the scale went down 3 lbs since I started logging my food 4 days ago. I really hate that my mood can be directly linked to the scale. Thought I broke that connection years ago, but apparently it’s back.
Always in progress I guess.
At some point I need to take pictures of myself for where I am now as I’d like my journey to better health to continue and it’d be good to have a starting picture.
So here I am, beginning again… or perhaps just continuing… whichever is less depressing. Regardless, the theme is wanting change and getting back on track. Back to making progress.