It’s official, I’m fat. I just watched a program about weight loss and the contestant’s starting weight was LESS than I weigh now. Yup, that makes it official… I’m a total fat ass. I’m one of those over 35, chubby knee, fat bulge above my elbows, big belly, flabby upper arm, jawline disappearing women who I used to feel badly for and hoped I’d never become.
Based on all my negative self-reflection lately, I must be hitting bottom… again. I’ve been here before. It appears to be a necessary step before real change can happen.
It’s not like I didn’t realize all these attributes until recently, but more like I really had to be faced with them because of my family vacation I just got back from.
Yesterday I was going through all the pictures I’d taken from our 2 weeks away. I don’t like 95% of the ones with me in them because I hate how fat I look. Even the purposefully taken shots of only from my chest up have me looking fatter than I thought I really was. Where did my chin go? I have to stick my chin out and down in order to create a forced jawline so much so that it has my shoulders so high that I appear hunchbacked and like I have no neck – but I have a jawline! That’s not right. I shouldn’t have to struggle so hard to make myself “presentable” in a picture to meet my own standards.
No one cares about this but me.
I’ve also been doing comparison pictures of hubby & I because we’re coming up to some important anniversaries – 16 years since we’ve been engaged, and in October, 15 years married. I look back on us and think “would I be happy about who I’ve become?” No. Yet I managed a decent ‘now vs then’ that makes us look better now (I’m so good I scare myself… but it’s all smoke & mirrors).
I have an amazing husband that has always accepted me no matter if I was 185 lbs or 320 lbs. This is both really great and really bad at the same time. For when I’m fat, it’s great he still loves me and is still attracted to me and wants to jump my bones with the enthusiasm of a horny 17 year old. However because of that, it helps me be just a little too comfy being big. But if he made fun of me or became disinterested, I’d think he was an asshole and probably leave him… or be inspired to change.
How messed up is that?
It basically means I can be whoever I want to be with him, regardless of him because he is a non-judgmental factor. My motivation has to be all my own and he isn’t there to judge when I have ice cream, nor to cheer me on for just getting in my exercise for the day. Unfortunately his total acceptance also means not having his active support because he doesn’t mind if I’m 100 lbs overweight.
I have to be OK with that because that’s just him (plus some of his own issues as he is overweight and he goes inside himself if he sees me doing well and can’t muster a “good job” because he can get too down on himself… his issues, not mine and I realize of that now). It just puts all the control on my shoulders and I have to be my own cheering squad if I need one occasionally.
I have to be the one to say “maybe I shouldn’t eat that” because NO ONE in my household would ever say that to me.
It’s all me. It was always just me. I am responsible for myself.
Maybe it was the vacation, but my hubby seems even that much more horny lately (he’s never had a lack of drive, that’s for sure – just seems like even more). But I’m not as interested… not because I don’t want him, but because I can’t believe he’d still be interested in me with the way I look right now.
That’s horrible and I never thought I’d be one of THOSE WOMEN who feel that way.
Even admitting and writing that goes against the person I thought I was.
So why am I hitting bottom again now? Well in addition to seeing myself in pictures and not liking what I saw, I also felt under a microscope lately because we saw a lot of family I hadn’t seen in years and frankly, I was mortified about how I looked and I can only imagine they must have thinking “wow she let herself go” even though they’d never say such a thing.
That kills me because it was only a few months ago I was working out every single day of the week for over a month straight. It doesn’t look like it.
I also did a lot of reminiscing of my childhood. My mom & I watched old videos from back when I was turning 9. All I could see and think was that I really looked like one of those healthy weighted beautiful young girls with nothing but promise ahead of her. Where’d she go? Would she be astonished by who she became?
I want to be the sexy woman my hubby treats me like and have *me* believe it as well.
I want the woman in the mirror or a photo to reflect how I see myself in my mind. I want my more youthful and healthier version of myself back.
I’m tired of being this version of myself. I deserve better. That cute, healthy 9 year old deserves a better future and her kids deserve a happier, healthier more active mom to play with them and be in their lives longer.
Can I finally do this? REALLY lose at least 100 lbs of myself and KEEP it off? Can I FINALLY do this?
I had borrowed a picture my mom had that I didn’t have a copy of so I could scan and return it to her and yesterday after I’d scanned it and printed a copy for myself, I complained to my hubby about how I wished I looked like the girl I was in this picture
of my mom & I back in 2003 (close to one of my lowest weights and exactly 100 lbs difference from what I weigh now) and although he usually doesn’t talk about my weight he said with all seriousness “you will”.
I want to believe him. I need to believe him. I need to believe in myself. I need to start honoring my body… in every way.
I want to be a Person in Progress… actually making PROGRESS.