I’m just talking to myself

Is there such a thing as POST menstrual syndrome? If so, I think I have it. This isn’t the first time my hormones/mood have been out of whack days into or just after my period when before it came I was perfectly fine.
Anyway… I’m just in the dumps today. Plus my daughter was driving me nuts this afternoon because she was whiny after having a shorter-than-usual nap (her choice).

Once in a while I get inspired and start drawing up house plans from scratch trying to incorporate all the details I’d love for my dream home to have. This usually follows or is related to times I become highly aware of the lottery and my hopes to win become more prevalent, even though we always play every week regardless.
But today I had the most depressing thought… all of a sudden I could picture myself in a nursing home at 75 years old (if I can even live that long) and instead of game of checkers on the table in front of me, there I’ll be, still drawing out my plans for my dream kitchen and my dream house because they never came.
How sad is that?
But how accurate? Ugh… see? Depressing.
I’m a realist, I get it. At the same time, a dreamer.
I mean I’m now in my late 30’s… when do I give up the dream? When do I just finally accept my life as it is now? Do I have to? I just keep thinking I thought I’d have it all by now… house, the job (a job?), the kids, the body, health, wealth… the life.
But I just have a life. And it’s actually really good, there are just some details I haven’t managed to achieve and most of the time, they feel like they can’t be achieved unless there is the introduction of a lot of money. And since I don’t want it to be an inheritance or insurance because that would mean someone had to die first, that only leaves the lotto.

One thing that seems to be eluding me this year that I’ve been actively fighting for for the past 10 years is “the body” – a healthy, more fit version of myself.
But it seems that I had my second baby and left the hospital with someone else’s body. Seriously. Shit ain’t working like it used to on so many levels.
It seemed bad enough my eating changes & drinking water weren’t having effect without exercise, but now even the combination of all 3 are failing me.
I recently discovered my blood sugars have been too high. I have my leftover glucometer and test strips from gestational diabetes, and it’s a good thing I do.
My blood sugar is the worst in the morning. It should be 90 or less.   What has me itching my head is that my blood sugar in the morning after having ice cream the night before was 145, yet the next morning after an evening of NO CARBS and NO SUGAR, my blood sugar was 145 again. Grr. This means it doesn’t matter what the hell I eat the night before. This means I am sadly beyond the point of controlling it with diet.
I thought maybe my higher sugars/insulin level may be hindering my weight loss, so I started testing my sugars again, lowering carbs/sugars and starting back with taking Metformin.
I was hoping this would finally be the answer to why it is I feel like I’m doing 3 times the effort with no results.
Nope.
Instead, I gained.
I feel super fat, super big and my jawline seems to be disappearing daily. All my bumps and curves seem even more pronounced like I’m sitting on my ass eating crap all day when really I’m eating healthy, walking daily & doing Turbo Jam three times per week.
It’s hard not to think there is something else going on.
However I don’t match with symptoms for various things I was worried about might be an issue with me (hypothyroidism among others).

I seem to only have 1 symptom from a list of 12 or more. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that would tell them also that whichever issue I looked up with that case, I don’t have.

Another issue? In 2 weeks I’m off for a long trip up North to visit family. Some family I haven’t seen in 5 years. I am MORTIFIED that they will see me looking like I do currently. It will be the biggest they’ve seen me at and I want to crawl in a hole and die. It could very well be the LAST time I see them in person too, which saddens me on many levels.
I started making progress months ago and things were going ok… losing more inches than weight, but it was a nice to almost go down one size and *snugly* fit into my mini-goal jeans.
But then I took a month hiatus because I thought we were going to move. We were in escrow and everything and with only about a week & a half to go to closing, our mortgage lender tells us we’re not meeting one of the requirements for the FHA loan. Fuck. We were already pre-approved and everything – that didn’t matter. We lost that house and I got stuck with our current place that is at a state of being about 40% packed and we’re going to have to stay almost another whole year because it will take that long to meet this requirement and also because I really don’t want to have my son have to switch schools mid-year as that can be tough on a kid (I speak from experience).
So with my days no longer filled with house hunting, house viewings, cleaning, organizing, painting or packing, I once again tried to get back in the rhythm of better diet, drinking water and exercise.
I have gotten NO WHERE in 3 weeks. I had gone down 2.6 lbs at the lowest, but am right back to my restarting weight this morning.
I’ve only been back on the Metformin for 4 days… I can only hope maybe it is my sugars and I just need to wait for my body to adjust and just keep on keeping on… as usual. But it is HIGHLY FRUSTRATING to say the least.
I want my old body back – the one that would thank me by dropping a pound or 2 overnight just because I drink a ton of water the day before. Gawd I miss those mornings.
I’d say “I’m so done with it” except I’ll never be “done”… if I’m not doing all of these things for better health, I’ll just get bigger and bigger and REALLY be one hell of a sad sack. So although nothing seems to be giving me progress as of late, at least it can help keep me from getting increasingly larger… I hope.
As if this post wasn’t long enough already, I’m just going to go on. It’s been a while since I blogged and basically this is a glorified diary that really only I’m reading at this point, so I might as well spill it here and get it out of my brain so I can feel better for having “shared”…

About the dreaming and hoping… should I be past that stage of life? Cause I’m SO NOT. I’m torn how I feel most days about my life. Catch me in the right mood and I really know and appreciate how blessed we are – lucky, fulfilled, happy, content… all that good stuff. We live in a comfy home, our kids are happy & healthy, our marriage is good, my hubby has a good job, I get to stay at home all day, our bills aren’t overdue, we own two cars, our kids have more than enough toys, there is food in the fridge and cupboards. Life is good. I do appreciate that.
HOWEVER.
There is just this nagging dream/thought/vision that is just too damn hard to get over and give up. I have felt for years that we will be one of the rare few to win a multi-million dollar lottery jackpot. It’s more than wishful thinking. I have very vivid visions of how our life will be and they have haunted me for years. Maybe I’m just a skilled daydreamer, but it feels like more than that.
DAMMIT IT FEELS LIKE MORE THAN THAT.
But at this point, it’s been 15 years I’ve had this feeling… stronger in the last 10… and at this point I’m just getting impatient like “why hasn’t it happened yet?”
I feel insane for even writing that. Can ANYONE relate to this feeling?
It doesn’t help that we’ve had a couple of other occasions where really lucky stuff has happened to us (one of which was winning an upgrade to a royal suite during a 2 week cruise we didn’t even pay for that would have normally cost over $20,000), and I had a vision about that before it happened as well.

I have drawn out my future house plans at least 20 times. About 3 times completely and thoroughly (we’re talking landscaping as well as the house, bottom floor, top floor and even an attempt to sketch what it would look like from the outside and everything has been measured and correctly sized).

I have an Excel spreadsheet with about 10 different tabs – all breaking down the minimum jackpots from the 2 lottos we play and exactly what we would do with the money – lists of friends & family and how much to give them, a list of debts to pay, start a college fund, have a vacation fund, money put aside for building (or remodeling) our dream home, lawyer’s fees, accountants, investors, how much to invest and the approximate monthly income we could receive in interest. I even have a tab with the information on a non-profit organization I want to start up that would benefit millions to really pay it forward.
It is all there.
I even have a list of products I’d like to try, but feel that we’re not currently in a position for me to afford to try them.
I have thought it out literally hundreds of times (which is why I took to starting a file). I even started keeping a list of materials I would want to utilize for my dream home – from the siding to the heating method and roofing material all the way to realizing I want to be off-grid as much as conceivably possible including barrels to collect rain water to use on the organic garden I plan to plant.

I think we might possibly be the most prepared people to win a large sum of money there ever was. Seriously.
So here’s where the universe says “well since you expect it so much, it won’t happen”. I’ve had this thinking before, got back into life, the grind and didn’t give a thought to the lottery and went about my life, content as ever and it still didn’t happen.
And now I’m back to the “this would be such a good time to win” (like there is ever a bad time?) phase.

It all started because of how we lost that really great house. It got us thinking that maybe it’s because there is something better in our future and instead of having us be tied down with that house, we’ll now be free to explore different, better options. Or maybe we just missed a really awesome house and will have to settle for less… ugh.

Although I do feel grateful for all I do have and to others, we already live a “rich” life, here’s where I start to bitch.
Yeah, we have it all… on the surface… good on paper, but when you realize the details, you’ll see why it adds a bit of tarnish to that shine.
Yes, we live in a really nice home with a front porch, 2 car garage, big master bedroom with an attachment bathroom and a nice yard, but it’s rented – not technically ours.
Yes, we have a pool, but it’s an above ground temporary pool and I have duct tape covering some of the rips and tears and it probably won’t last one more season.
Yes, we have 2 cars we don’t have car payments for, but they are both over 10 years old, aren’t worth the next big repair and technically I owe my in-laws for paying off my auto loan but I stopped making payments back in 2006 after our first child… doh.
Yes, I have clothes on my back, but 85% of them are hand-me-downs from my sister… maybe more, and I do most of my shopping in secondhand stores.
Yes, our house is full of furniture, but most are from family as hand-me-downs or gifts, or something for free we found on the side of the road – we didn’t afford them ourselves. Seriously, we didn’t buy 90% of our current furniture… it’s like a glorified college apartment mismatch of items around here.
Yes, we have a nice, big trampoline in the backyard, but that’s the one from MY childhood which makes it at least 23 years old, so no, we didn’t pay for that.

So you see how our life can look so good and complete, yet it feels like it’s just on the surface and because I know the story of every item, it cheapens it and then I don’t feel like I have accomplished all I thought I would have by my age.
Is it really not good enough? Well, unfortunately my answer depends on what mood I’m in for the day. I guess that’s human nature… or at least mine.

I’m going to go back to being an unappreciative self-centered whiny fat-ass now… excuse me.

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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