Bad Breakthrough

If you read my last post about being hit on at the grocery store, then you’d also know my weigh-in for today as it was the same.  This is not surprising given my Super Bowl indulgences and lack of exercise this past week.

There has been a lack of other things as well… mainly, motivation.
Where’d it go?  Monday no motivation
I simply refuse to be one of the thousands of people who throw their resolutions by the wayside and stop putting their new gym membership to use at about this time.
That’s not me… so what gives?
Here is just one of stumbles that I think lead to my demise:
In reading this post I saw on facebook, I was caught off guard when reading this:
As a fat person, I had been used to folks rushing ahead of me on the subway, not making eye contact at the store, or not smiling back when they passed me in the hallway of my apartment building. These behaviors were what I recognized as normal.
My initial reaction to this sudden onslaught of warmth, sweetness and gratitude from the world was suspicion that the joke was on me… I have caught myself irrationally questioning people’s motives, just waiting for the paper snakes to jump out of the can.

That is exactly how I felt when I got down to the smallest me I’d ever been.  I felt very watched and judged and not in a good way (though there was that too) and frankly, it freaked the hell out of me and had me running back under my shell (fat) ASAP.

Fat is my protection from the world.  It saves me from too many strangers wanting to make conversation with me and many uncomfortable moments because I am a total homebody introvert.  I get to be overlooked or ignored and maybe just pitied while fat and that is much less scary to me than being noticed and getting attention, even in a positive manner.
When I read this quote and all of this shot through my brain, my body actually shuttered like I’d been struck by lightning.
Oddly, this isn’t the first time I’ve realized that fat is my protection, however I never looked at it as what it really was:  the payoff being fat gives me. (Wasn’t it Dr.Phil who would ask what your payoff was for being fat in his ‘7 keys to weight loss freedom’? I didn’t get it then and the immediate gut response I had was – a payoff? How is being fat remotely positive? What do you mean we’re choosing to be this way?)
Well I guess this is what the psychologists call a breakthrough.
Why else would I stay this way intentionally?  And let’s be honest, it was intentional – every choice I make – the food I eat, to sit on my ass instead of getting up to exercise or even clean the house.
So my deep-seated issue is how the hell do I deal with it now?  If fat makes me feel protected out there in the world, how can I feel safe and protect myself without the fat?

I don’t have an answer yet and will have to explore this later.  I have to figure something out or I’m doomed to want to “hide” back in my shell again.
After realizing all of this, it sent me down a negative path from which I could only escape for a few hours a day – not enough for any real progress.


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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