Rock Bottom

As far as the weight loss battle goes, yes I am at my own personal rock bottom.  I have really shocked myself this past week and not in a good way.
Although I am not the heaviest I’ve ever been, I am officially the largest I’ve ever been.
That’s a new one for me.
Usually I can associate a certain weight range with a certain clothing size.  Nope, not anymore.
A woman’s body can naturally go through changes as you age – in my 20’s (pre-kids) my waist kind of stretched down and gave me more of an elongated torso and my up-until-then constantly chunky face with puffy cheeks finally thinned out and sunk a bit (both of these things were great by the way).  However, after pregnancy your body can change yet again.  It did after my first baby, but boy oh boy has my 2nd pregnancy done a number on my body.
EVERYTHING WENT SOUTH.
Plus I’m sure hitting mid-30’s didn’t help either.
My upper belly is more filled out than ever (with the exception of actual pregnancy) and my hips & thighs are the largest they’ve ever been.  Can you say SADDLEBAGS??? Ugh.
Me gaining a bunch of weight is of course not helping the matter, but what a difference this new weight placement is making in my clothing size!
Why is this a new discovery?
Well it was a classic combination of wearing loose fitting/stretchy/elastic clothing and being in denial.

Up until now, it really didn’t matter what I wore out.  I only leave the house once in a while, so I had my 1 decent shirt and for pants I was still wearing my maternity jeans! (Crap)
I finally broke down and bought a new pair of jeans in my current size (they were 24’s but I look like a stuffed sausage though I am comfy in them) because of the trip I took in October.
The thing was for that trip though, we were only seeing/staying with family for in total less than 1 day, so figuring out things to wear wasn’t a big deal.

Well now is a different story.  I’m about to go visit my in-laws for 5 days straight and on top of that, my brother-in-law, his wife and her daughter will be there all week and I’ll be seeing a ton of my hubby’s family (aunts, cousins, etc) for one of the nights.
When I figured out how little clothes I had, I freaked out.  I literally had NOTHING to wear except 1 pair of decent jeans and 1 decent shirt.  Um, that doesn’t last for 5 days, plus I’m not the type to be comfortable staying in jeans all day, so I needed some public-friendly comfy pants and shirts.
So I bought some items.
Now I’d attempted to buy some things a few months ago (shirts) and ordered them in a 3X thinking that would work.  Well, it didn’t… too tight.  My denial reasoning? They must have been from a company that does unforgiving/smaller sizing compared to other brands (of course that’s it!).  So I put them aside and thought “I’ll wear them after I lose 15-20 lbs” and went back to wearing my large, crappy, wholly, stained t-shirts while at home and my 1 decent shirt out.
So this time around I knew I needed clothes for NOW, so I HAD to buy a size bigger than a 3X for the first time IN MY LIFE.
Horrifying.
What was more horrifying?  I bought a 5X too.  It happened to be a shirt I liked and they only had 1-3X and a 5X, no 4X so I was like “well, it’ll be comfy”.  In all honesty, after getting home and trying it on, I feel much more protected, loose, comfy and safe in that sized shirt over the 4X I bought.
Uber horrifying.
5 fucking X.
Really?
My HUSBAND doesn’t even wear 5X.  Holy fuck.  When did I become the fattest person in the family???

I knew 1 pair of jeans wasn’t going to cut it either, so I bought another pair of size 24’s like the other pair.
Well I tried those on back at home and fuck… too fucking small!  Apparently it was a different brand and had ZERO stretch, and voila – I’m really a size 26.
Fuck.
So I go online, still looking for some comfy pants that were public friendly (i.e. not too tight, too short, too thin or created visible panty line).  To be SAFE I ordered them in a 26.
Guess what?
They’re kind of tight!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

This has not been my week.  It has been eye-opening to say the least.
It just took me AN HOUR to pack 5 days’ worth of outfits for this stupid trip.  I kept trying on pants with different shirts, trying to make sure my fat stomach and all my wobbly parts were as hidden as possible without making me look like a complete whale (um, not avoidable at this point).

What is more horrifying than being a 5X?

I have a “front butt” now.  There can be 2 versions of this, so I’ll explain that mine is the result of my inner thighs being the largest they’ve ever been so that when I stand normally or especially when I put my legs together, in tight-ish fitting pants they pudge out/together and it creates what looks like a butt in the front.  Without an extra long shirt, this will be visible.
OMG kill me now.
And here I thought the chubby fat I have above my elbows was ugly, aging and pathetic… oh no, I’ve reached a new low.
Rock-fucking-bottom people.

I can’t wait for January.
I know it is all cliché to be wanting to lose weight starting in January, but dammit, it’s the first real break after many holidays in a row and we’ll finally not have any travel plans for a while and it’s just an awesome excuses-free time to start fresh.
And I’m looking forward to it.
This cannot continue.

Horrifying.

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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One Response to Rock Bottom

  1. Pingback: Realization | Person In Progress

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