Positive News, Bad Attitude

I finally did it.  After four months of struggling, I finally made my way back into the 2’s!  weigh-in joyOn one hand I was proud to finally get there – especially since yesterday was my daughter’s first birthday and there was pizza and cake.  The pizza was terrible (the non-deep dish pizza from Little Caesar’s is like sauce & cheese on cardboard – hell I remember pizza at the school cafeteria tasting better!) so I invoked a sub-rule of Bethenny’s Naturally Thin rules and that is, if it isn’t worth it, walk away… so I did.  I probably had the least amount of pizza at one sitting that I’ve ever managed… EVER.  And honestly I felt completely full (probably in thanks to my pre-dinner snack of pistachios).  So afterwards I had zero interest in my daughter’s cake and only licked some frosting that had got on my fingers, but no real piece and I was totally good with that.

Well moderation DOES pay off!  Never before on a Sunday morning (and especially after a party) have a managed a good weigh-in… it is rare because Monday is usually the focus.
So I was elated this morning after weighing myself… proud for a few reasons, but that faded quickly.
Here’s where we get to the other hand…
I had to glance over my spreadsheet where I keep my weigh-ins just to see when exactly it was that I last saw 299 or less.  In scrolling through I found myself easily at one year ago.
I weigh more (17.8 lbs more) than I did the morning of my C-section.  Crap.  And after?  I’d gotten down to 254.2 lbs by the first week of December last year.

So I finally did the math for my recent highest weight and where I was before all the sleep deprivation and bag choices slipped in… 55 fucking pounds I put on.  Holy crap.

Apparently this bummed me out more than I let on because I’m finding myself snapping at my cats and my son this morning and generally grumpy.  Yes, I slept like crap as it was mostly interrupted by my freaking annoying cough I can’t seem to shake, but mostly I think going through that spreadsheet and seeing where I was just angers and saddens me.  I have to work ALL OVER AGAIN to get all of that off. Ugh.
And the fact that I could be PROUD to be 299 again?  One year ago me would be disgusted!  Hell, 2 and 3 years ago me would be as well!
And once I’m done doing losing what I regained?  Then I’ll have at least another 70 lbs to go.  Wow.  Not going to think about that.

I did make myself a little happier to think of my weight in segments… like I’m 10 lbs down, 45 to go until I get back to where I was.  This is a lot less daunting.  I almost want to have a sign that says 55 on the wall that I can cross out every 5 or 10 lbs and write the smaller number to go… like a physical something I can do that gives me some empowerment.  I might do that (just a matter of where I’d put that so I don’t have to explain to outsiders).

I just keep having to remind myself of the positives… that I did just achieve something and under a usually fail-inducing situation.  Bad moods don’t make for good decisions, so I need to get out of this mood.  Maybe I’ll take a nap.


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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