A Scary Thought

I’ve mentioned before how losing weight/getting healthy (and by association, the scale) are pretty much a fixated thought in my head.  I think about this multiple times per day (like when I purposely drink down more water, convince myself to go for a walk, eat, blog… all the freakin time!)  You could say I’m obsessed about it (there are worse things to be obsessed with right?)  I think about my health more than I think about my finances, how my child might be doing at school (I’m lucky he’s pretty successful at life all on his own), my marriage, my extended family… nothing trumps how much I think about my health/weight.
There is a close second.
The lottery.
I have held a deeply seeded belief that someday we’ll win a lottery jackpot.  Ridiculous right?  I know… I just can’t let it go.  I’ve had notions about how our future will look and I can vividly picture our future and certain things we’ll have (like a house).  There is more than just wishful thinking behind this.  We’ve been rather lucky in our past – a quick(ish ha!) story:
We were gifted a 2 week cruise through the Panama Canal (lucky enough right there right?  Wrong).  We had an almost 1 year old at the time and were getting a tiny room with just a porthole view.  While looking through brochures ahead of time I fixated on one of the bigger suites and thought “that will be nice” and totally ignored the layout of the actual room we were getting.  I don’t remember it fazing me AT ALL that we were going to actually be stuck in a tiny porthole room on a ship for 2 weeks… seriously, not at all.  We’re on the ship, we’ve checked out our room (oh crap, this shit is TINY) and we head off to the first night’s BINGO.  Because there was a lack of full occupancy for certain rooms, the ship offered an upgrade to the Royal Suite for the entire rest of the voyage as the BINGO grand prize that night.  There were 3 games of cash prizes prior and then the big kahuna.  Yes, you guessed it, I won the upgrade.  Not only that, but one of the cash prizes and my hubby won another one of the cash prizes (boy did people hate us that night!)
That very night we moved all of our stuff (happily) over to the Royal suite which was freaking AWESOME.

Because of our lack of digital photos back then, I had to rely on a pic my in-laws took (they were with us for the journey) of our room - this was just the dining area.

Because of our lack of digital photos back then (and we haven’t scanned ours yet), I had to rely on a pic my in-laws took of our room (they were with us for the journey) – this was just the dining area of the suite.

We had a living room, dining room, walk-in closet, full sized bath with huge tub, a computer area and the bedroom had plenty of room for our son’s pack’n’play.  Not only that, the deck of this suite (complete with lounge chairs, table & chairs and a Jacuzzi) was BIGGER in square feet than our former room.  Oh, and we got a butler!  Oh George… I miss George.  It was a hell of a lucky thing (usually cost $20,000 per person for the whole trip!!!!)
When I think back to going through that brochure it really had me thinking… did I just know somehow that we were going to have that suite?  Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t think I’m psychic… just may be in tune with my specific future at certain times in my life?  See this very fact about what happened has me still believing in that picture in my head about how life will be for us (and let’s face it, we’d need a lotto jackpot win to make it true!)

I’ve had more “if I won…” conversations than I care to count.  So much so that years ago I actually started an Excel file of what we’d do with the money – debts to pay off, money for family/friends, etc.  My hubby even put in all the calculations to figure out after tax amounts and what we can earn in interest amounts per year/month/week.  Trust me, we have it all figured out.  We’d probably be the most prepared people to ever win a big jackpot.

So getting to my scary thought…
It occurred to me the other day that I hope my weight loss dreams are not a case of wishful thinking like my lottery dreams probably seem to most.  I really hope they aren’t inexplicably linked and that both could just be considered a pipe dream of mine.
What a scary thought.
Granted I’d love both to happen, but would rather finally get myself healthier over winning the lotto (though I stand firm with the opinion that if I did win the lotto, achieving better health would be far easier – endless access to the best organic/good for me foods, exercise equipment, childcare for time to spend on myself, maybe even a personal chef, etc.)

It is just plain scary to think that my weight loss hopes could have the same likeliness to occur as a lotto jackpot win.  Ugh.
I mean although I can remember my first diet at 8 years old, I wouldn’t consider myself educated or going about it in a more “right way” until about 10 years ago.  Yet my weight is now HIGHER than it was 10 years ago (I’d never seen higher than 276 lbs back then).  Yes I have 2 kids to show for some of that weight, but lordy… what the hell have I been doing the last 10 years?  It scares me, it really does.

Here I was griping earlier today that I’ll basically be 40 when I could get to my goal weight, but when it comes to my track record, I have a fear I could be writing the very same post at almost 50.  That scares the crap out of me.  I need to get my shit together NOW.  I keep waiting to live in some circumstances and that’s just not good.
Am I going to wake up and be old and think “why did I obsess so much?”  Or does the fact that I obsess stand to positive attributes like my tenacious attitude towards health and that I never give up?

There are some days I’m like “where’s our winning lotto ticket already?” like I’m passing time until it happens.  Same goes for my thoughts about how my life will be when I’m over 100 lbs lighter.

Is this all just wishful thinking?

Only time will tell.

In the meantime we make sure we have an active ticket for the next big jackpot draw and I think I’ll finish this glass of water and go take a walk to burn some calories.


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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One Response to A Scary Thought

  1. Though it may feel like it sometimes, weight loss is definitely not akin to winning a lottery ticket. Though you can up your chances of winning by buying more tickets, you actually have total control over weight. Perhaps if you planned your weight loss plan complete with attainable short-term objectives you would see more results?

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