No more “ah-ha”s/Sleep rules all

It freaks me out that I feel like I’m out of those “ah-ha” moments to get me invigorated again to keep on my weight loss journey/battle for better health.  I’ve had all the moments that are supposed to wake you up, flick the switch, turn the light bulb on, etc… walking by a store front and catching your full-bodied reflection and you looked 50 lbs heavier than you remembered (because you’ve only been looking at yourself from the chest up), or finally stepping on the scale after a hiatus to be shocked by what you’ve gained, or having your child or someone else’s child (or both) call you fat or point out your fat ass, feeling like the fattest parent/adult in the room, health scares (inevitable diabetes), having children and the want to be around for them, emotional baggage from childhood – I’ve talked and or written it out 100 times over…
I’m so introspective there is nothing left.
There is also no new revolutionary way to diet or view a diet… I’ve figured out what works, what’s bad, what’s good, what’s long term and what isn’t (for me… we’re all different).  I know you have to eat breakfast (I honestly feel bad for those people who are already in their 40’s and 50’s trying to lose weight who haven’t gotten this basic thing down yet), drink lots of water and that diet without exercise or exercise without diet is just a recipe for treading water in the long term.

But as the end of every episode of GI Joe taught us, “knowing is half the battle”.
I’m going to assume the other half is DOING.  This is where I’m failing.  Knowing what to do and actually doing it seem farther apart than usual for me.
Even a show like Biggest Loser wouldn’t help me… push me all you want, there isn’t going to be that breakthrough moment where I start crying about the physical abuse of my childhood or how my mom died when I was young or the time I spent homeless… all because that stuff hasn’t happened to me.  It would help however to take me out of all my daily responsibilities and have no distractions and plenty of sleep, but as far as a life changing breakthrough, nope.
I like to eat.  That’s it.
Well, there’s a little more, but like I said, I’ve talked and written that out 100 times… talked to death and that part feels dealt with.  What I can’t get over is my tendency to be a lazy ass and eat more than I should.

Do I think if I was single (or at least childless) that I would be having a more successful time?  HELL YES.  Having children is NOT just an “excuse” to not being able to lose weight – it is a LEGITIMATE REASON.
I’ve been on both sides… 10 years ago now was in the middle of losing the most consecutive weight I’ve ever lost – 90 lbs.  I was married and worked a full-time job, but no kids.
Now here I am, 2 kids, no job and the hours in the day I was once able to dedicate preparing healthy meals and exercising just aren’t there – at least not unless it is at the expense of my baby screaming at me for my attention and feeling abandoned.
I think those moms that are successful (this mom pictured comes to mind)

Hey lady, if you want to be inspirational try "You CAN do it" as your quote next time.

Hey lady, if you want to be inspirational try “You CAN do it” as your quote next time.

at losing weight with small children is that they have children who sleep well/sleep through the night.

I’m STILL at the stage where I don’t ever feel rested and use my baby’s naps to nap myself.  I’m far too exhausted to work out or I have to prioritize cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up the house, packing my son’s lunch, overseeing homework, etc. with the precious baby-free moments I get.  (And apparently the workout I get cleaning my house just isn’t cutting it at the moment unfortunately).  There is also NO SET SCHEDULE YET!  My baby may nap once or three times and I never know what’s coming!
How the fuck am I supposed to plan around that?

So yeah, those success moms with kids under 5 – I bet your kids sleep well and have more set schedules than I’ve ever seen so far with my latest offspring.
I will never underestimate the power of sleep ever again in my life.  My baby has taught me that I will never be the best version of myself without a decent amount of sleep.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting on the couch and for a split second my baby has gone off to entertain herself and I get this burst of ‘I want to exercise’/‘I want to go for a walk’, but the instant I stand up, my baby sees me and crawls over and wants to be picked up.  And the walking?  Oh, well crap it’s raining outside.  I used to walk in the rain, but that doesn’t work as well when my baby is exposed to the elements as well.

And I’ve tried holding my baby (like extra weight) while working out… omg too much.  My arms ache having to hold her for long periods of time just standing, so adding in movements of stepping or squats only works for about 10 seconds and I’m done.  I have to start slow and suddenly putting on 20 lbs for me to hold on top of the 40+ pounds my body has recently put back on… holy crap.  I lift her constantly all day anyway – there is no need for an extra arm workout.  Momma needs cardio!

I feel that inner me… the me from 10 years ago… she’s still in there and when she wants to come out, a baby suddenly appears in my lap.
I can’t even type this blog with my laptop in my lap (or uninterrupted 50,ooo times)… nope, I have to sit and turn to the side with my laptop on a table beside me (hello neckache and hip pain).  I kid you not, the MINUTE I try to take a moment and pick up the laptop to be on my lap and comfortable/more efficient, even though my baby was engrossed in some toy across the room and didn’t even see me do this, she will come RIGHT over and start pulling down my screen and/or trying to hit my keyboard.  But when I put it back on the table, she crawls away.
I swear she does this for every productive thing I try to do.  Try exercising with one of these in your life… go ahead, I challenge you.

OK… I hope this post works per usual.  What I mean by that is once I complain or admit I’ve hit a wall or rock bottom or have no hope, I post a blog about it and sometimes as soon as the next day, things turn around and I find a way to make it work all of a sudden, despite the odds.  Here’s hoping because shit has to change.

Oh, and I’m also kind of bothered that people don’t read my posts anymore (yeah you science guy who has ZERO in common with me – I know you didn’t read my blog)… it used to be that if people liked your post or started following you it was because they, you know, actually LIKED it or desired to actually read a future post of yours… nope not anymore, it’s all about getting people back to their blog and no one actually gives a shit about your post.  Whatever… this one is for me and the universe anyway.
Humankind gets progressively disappointing as I get older.

About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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