Coming to terms with ‘After’, ‘Before’

Sometimes I already feel like an “after” person.  Not “after” as in at goal weight and looking healthy obviously, but more like “during” for those people who started at over 600 lbs and now that they are half their size people compliment them like they’re done when really they are still a person over 300 lbs.  But not so much from that aspect, but the aspect of how my body looks and feels physically.
You can usually spot those people that were once several hundred pounds more – even after a number of skin surgeries, there is always a place that still jiggles and/or roadmaps of scars all over the body or although their waist is small, their legs still look like tree trunks or the skin on their legs is so dimpled, flabby, stretch-marked or off colored from former issues (same with arms sometimes too).  Or even the people who are done losing weight and have met their goals but due to the loss of so much weight, they appear to have a perfect body while clothed, but at the beach you see them still covered up because of all the jiggly or scarred parts they still don’t want to show (or they just show it and you know).

Sometimes I feel like my body tells a story of a formerly much larger person.  Granted I’ve never even been past 314 lb (unrecorded highest weight I ever saw on the scale), but I have that “apron” of belly fat hanging over the tops of my legs (ever so slightly and only since my 2nd child, but I imagine it will only continue to sag down further with age & gravity), scars from my gallbladder removal & C-sections, tons of stretch marks, bat wings, dimpled and jiggly thighs and those lovely saddle bags on either side of my thighs I can’t stand that were not so prevalent even a few years ago.
I was just sitting here watching “My 600 lb Life” on TLC viewing how those people looked after weight loss of 300+ lbs and I could relate more now than I ever have in my life and yet here I am at the “beginning” of my journey again and pretty much at my highest-weight self.

My body feels like a battle ground.  It looks like I was once way heavier… even NOW.  As of this morning I’m still 302 lbs yet my body looks like I’ve lost 100 lbs or more.  I can only imagine this is a terrible combo of years of yo-yo dieting and age.
Let’s see… I’m going to list all the times I’ve lost 20 lb or more at a time and the year it was done (and you can assume that I gained it back – and probably more – before the next listing of weight loss… that’s just how it goes after all):
1995 – 20
1997 – 20
2003 – 90
2006 – 45
2008 – 30
2011 – 50

Oh… it all makes sense now.  If I hadn’t lost weight those times and I add it all up it comes to 255 lbs and if I add that to my current weight, that’s 557 lbs… *that* my friends is EXACTLY how my body feels and looks (to me)… like I was 557 lbs and now I’m 302 lbs.  Oy.  MY POOR BODY.  No wonder it is so messed up.  I have been cruel to it ALL OF MY ADULT LIFE… literally ALL… I was 18 years old in 1995.

This was not at all meant as a “woe is me” post… just honesty about how I see my body in the mirror right now.  I know I can look more attractive if I lose 100+ lbs, but I have to be at peace with the fact that it will only be when I’m fully clothed (and probably a pair of Spanx on underneath).  Lord knows unless I win the lotto jackpot I can’t afford skin removal surgery and even then, there are the scars as a reminder and old stretch marks in places you don’t have removed and of course, the remainder wobbly bits that never go away.  There will ALWAYS be physical reminders of what I’ve done.
Better to settle my brain with this now instead of getting all the way down to 185 lbs (my former lowest) and being disappointed I’m not 2-piece bathing suit ready, which of course I NEVER will be… even if I became a stick at 130 lbs (I’m 5’10”).

I’m just starting continuing this journey, but am seriously an old soul when it comes to this process.  Let’s hope it makes me more experienced & prepared, not jaded.


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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One Response to Coming to terms with ‘After’, ‘Before’

  1. Good luck! I’ve started my journey today. I’m sure you will look amazing, you just need to stay positive!
    Rosie. x

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