What Progress?

Where to start?
I am miserable… with myself.  My hair is an uncontrollable mess, my face is broken out like a teenager’s and I’m a big fat mess.
I just recently (finally) started letting my now practically 9 month old little girl cry it out at night.  What started as legitimate reasons to pick my baby up and rock her back to sleep in the middle of the night (gas/tummy issues) became more frequent and then unfortunately expected even when the legitimate cause was no longer an issue.  I had inadvertently spoiled my baby and caused myself some serious crappy sleep and even more sleep deprivation than usual.  Enough was enough!
So things have been a little better since she’s learned to sooth herself and I’ve been managing more sleep in regards to how much in total as well as how long of uninterrupted amounts.
You would think some needed beauty sleep would help clear up my skin right?  Or have me wake up feeling rested?  Or let me have a clear head to make better decisions to start losing some of this weight, right?
Wrong… ugh.
I thought sleep would be the end-all be-all answer to all my issues.  Well, it hasn’t proven to be so far… maybe I’m just so far behind on sleep my body needs way longer and much more before things start working as they should.

Let’s break it down.

As far as my skin, it is very sensitive – specifically on my face.  I have always dealt with acne since I was a teenager and managed to keep it mostly under control (I’ve been using Proactiv for cleanings/treatment and Bare Minerals for make-up for years – both of which proving far most effective for my skin over other products).  It’s always that “time of the month” that seems to put my face on overload.  I used to breakout about a week before, then it changed to a week after and recently it broke out after and I’d barely healed from that bout and it appears I’m now breaking out before, so you can imagine how freakin’ beautiful I’m looking these days!  (Total bullshit that if you breastfeed you don’t get your period – don’t fall for that!)  It sucks that school is starting and I have to meet my son’s teacher tomorrow.  Oh joy.  Please excuse my ugly face and fat ass.
What is also not helping is that with my sensitive skin, if I or someone else touches it with a dirty finger, I’m basically guaranteed to get a pimple in that spot within 1 to 24 hours.  Seriously.  And guess who is *constantly* trying to touch my face?  My beautiful little girl of course.  It’s not like I have the opportunity to go run and wash my face each time she touches it.  I blame her for about half of my currently blemished state.

My hair… ugh.  It’s naturally curly and I think I’ve managed it OK my whole life.  I never straighten it, so I have my arsenal of things I do with it in its curly state.  However since baby, all I can manage is to pull it back in a ponytail or bun to get it out of the way (and so my little one won’t pull it).  I had fabulous pregnancy hair (per usual), but after baby and my hormones all changed, my hair went to crap.  It got dry, hay-like and straggly.  But somehow the ends of my hair have changed.  Over the last 2 months, the ends of my hair have become beautiful ringlets, not frizzy like usual (at least how it was without product).  However when it comes time to comb it out, FORGET ABOUT IT!!!  I used to be able to comb out my curls no problem – wet or dry.  Now?  Oh boy… my pretty curls at the bottom are apparently all intertwined and like to form knots and prove to be very stubborn.  I lose enough hair in the shower to make a wig.  It’s scary.  I really don’t know how to handle this hair of mine as I’ve NEVER had this issue in my entire life until now.  Let’s just say I do NOT look forward to combing it out before a shower (and this is a necessary step because if I don’t, the amount of hair that comes out in the shower TRIPLES and it adds on an extra 10 minutes to my shower… waste of water!)

And now to address my fat ass.  It is truly larger than it’s ever been.  Even though I’ve weighed more than this before, since my second baby, things have settled much differently.  All of this weight I put on because of my baby has been mostly in my hips and thighs (can you say saddle bags?  Yeah, I’ve got those).   Even my maternity jeans don’t fit anymore!  I currently have NO jeans that fit me (I gave away all my “big clothes” when I’d formally achieved being 2 sizes smaller before I got pregnant).  I don’t know what I’m going to do for the Fall.  I really HATE buying clothes for a fatter me when I really want to start shrinking ASAP and then they’ll be too big and it’ll feel like a waste.  I have however bought myself some new shirts that fit.  I’m OK with that because I can alter almost any shirt and have it fit me for the next 70 pounds I lose (more in some cases).  I’ve become pretty good at tailoring my shirts, but I lack the talent and knowhow to do jeans or pants.

It just seems like every day it gets to be 9pm and I realize I’ve barely drank any water that day or consider that I really didn’t eat very healthy and/or my portions were still too big for some meals.
And then I get the overwhelming sensation to start over, make good choices in the morning – a healthy breakfast, drink down lots of water first thing to get me started, etc.
But the next day comes and those thoughts are nowhere and it is 9pm again before I know it.
This is so frustrating.
I’m so lost.  I feel like I don’t know how to start which is CRAZY because I’ve literally done this a million times now over the course of my various weight loss ventures.
I’m scared.  I feel like it will be so hard to accomplish this time.  I’m older, more out of shape and have more obstacles in my life to contend with at the same time than I’ve ever had.
So far after days of eating lighter and healthier, the next day the scale goes up.  But if I eat something big/filling for dinner like pizza, then scale goes down the next day!  This makes NO SENSE and only scares me away from the lighter eating.  But if I keep up the heavier eating, the scale does go up after 3 days.
I’ve done that roller coaster a few times in the last couple months… frustrating.  And I tried eating lighter for a few days and not checking the scale and when I finally did, I weighed the same as when I started.  For my “lighter” days, I’m still consuming a bunch of calories, so it would be unbelievable to me if I wasn’t eating “enough” (I’m still breastfeeding mind you) and so my body went into starvation mode and held onto everything.  Ugh.  I really do not have time to calorie count or even log into Sparkpeople to enter my foods to really know where my calories are at.
I really don’t want to wait until breastfeeding has stopped in order to lose weight.  This body is killing me.  I have relatives I haven’t seen in 2 years I’m seeing at Christmas and I’ll be mortified if I’m still this weight or more by then.
I am so not happy with myself.  This has a direct correlation to my sex drive as well.  My poor hubby is starved for affection, but I just don’t feel good about myself right now.  When I start losing weight, he benefits… you’d think that would give him incentive to help keep me on track and not sabotage me like he does sometimes.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Feeling stuck… desperate… scared… annoyed… hopeless… disappointed… perplexed… ugly… slovenly… and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo behind the eight ball.
Behind the 8 ball

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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4 Responses to What Progress?

  1. Oh *hugs* mama. I’m happy you’re able to get more sleep in now. It will be beneficial in the long run. As for the rest, I think you are being too hard on yourself. There are things you can control and there are things you can’t control.

    My advice? Pick *one* thing you want to change, give yourself an attainable goal and means to reach that goal and give it 30 consecutive days. I’ve been using the 30 day challenge to give myself the push I need to do 30 minutes of physical activity per day and it’s been working great. My goal isn’t to lose weight, but to become more active. You can find the website here if you want to check it out: http://www.my30dc.com.

    Rock on, you are doing great.

    • gwenacious says:

      Thanks… I forget about just focusing on 1 thing instead of a bunch. I need to start REALLY simple, so I choose water. My goal will be to drink at least 3 of my 24 oz containers minimum and go from there. Maybe finally getting hydrated enough will help my brain function better so other healthier choices flow more easily.

  2. gwenacious says:

    Update:
    My face eventually cleared and I even had a few very clear weeks! Then my monthly friend visited again and ruined it, but at least it was just 1 or 2… manageable.
    Feeling better about my body even though the scale doesn’t agree,,, *I* know I’ve done more (i.e. walking)
    My hair… well, the tangles were an issue up until 2 days ago when I decided to chop off about 6 inches. I didn’t mean for it to be *so* much and I ended up with my hair being about 2 inches shorter than I wanted. It looks horrible down – like a bad curly version of a page boy haircut – like the Dutch Boy Paint kid… just slightly longer but in no way more attractive (I could be a male extra in the Chris O’Donnell version of The Three Musketeers to give you another reference). Ugh. Good thing I CONSTANTLY wear it back in a ponytail or bun – no one will ever know! And let me tell you, it is SO MUCH EASIER to handle now! Brushing through is NOT a problem anymore.

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