Simply put, I am not healthy at the moment.
After I started losing weight like crazy after the birth of my daughter in late November because of after surgery water weight coming off and breastfeeding meant burning an extra 500 calories I hadn’t increased my calories to combat, it all went to shit. Enter:
feeling starving all the time
lack of schedule leading to overeating when I had the moment to eat not knowing when I could again
feeling even more hungry
eating for energy due to lack of availability of sleep
restricted breastfeeding diet -> feelings of deprivation I filled with food I was allowed to eat
eating more… and more… and more
And so with horror and the inability to deal with it as I still wasn’t getting enough sleep and my brain just did not function enough even to remember to drink enough water, I watched the scale go up, and up and up.
So here’s where I’ll be honest with numbers. Since leaving my “365/100 Project” I stopped giving specific numbers. At this point it’s just easier to tell it like it is instead of confusing people with 15 lbs down, 10 lbs up, blah blah blah when you don’t even know the starting point.
So here’s the recap (by the way, I’m 5’10”):
Starting highest weight: 308.6 lbs
Conception weight: 270.6 (-38 lbs)
1 week after baby: 260.0 (-48.6 lbs)
Lowest weight after baby (early December): 254.8 (-53.8 lbs)
When I blogged that I was so disheartened I was gaining weight and hoped it wouldn’t go up anymore: 270.0
One week ago: 299.0
This morning: 297.8
Yeah, at 299 I was like HELL NO I REFUSE to be in the 300’s again! I’m freaking only 9.9 lbs away from my start weight! DAMMIT.
Since then I’ve only managed to get down to 297.6, but at least it’s in the right direction. Still, the evil number starting with a “3” has not come up, even at night when I weigh myself after dinner – whew.
I feel this weight gain of course… nothing fits anymore (and I got rid of the jeans and capris that used to be too big for me), my jawline is disappearing, my back and legs ache more often plus I’m usually carrying an 18 lb baby which makes my body feel like I’ve put on even more weight. It’s amazing the difference of getting to walk upstairs sans baby how much easier it is and has me remembering what it was like to fly up those stairs 45 lbs lighter. I need to get back there.
Baby still makes life hard and I am still dealing with sleep deprivation issues (see previous post). I still eat for energy when denied sleep (seriously the only way to get through). My brain doesn’t function at 100% (seriously… words just don’t come to me, I’ll forget what I’m doing in the middle of doing it, it won’t occur to me that I need to drink water until 9pm at night). It’s hard to stick to a “diet” and make good choices on a normal day with no other issues, so imagine the difficulty I’m feeling now.
I’m doing my damnest (hence the meager weight loss so far instead of just the gain I’ve been experiencing for months now) but this is taking the most effort I’ve ever had to put into losing weight in my entire life.
Seriously, it has never been harder to attempt to lose weight. I feel like I’m majorly behind the 8 ball. I’m not even at the starting line of the race again – I’m back in the parking lot in front of a large hill, a fence, a brick wall and standing in wet cement carrying a backpack full of weights… and it’s raining.
But I’m determined.
If there is one thing I am, it’s tenacious.
So there it is… in all its shame… honestly about where I am right now.