Feeling screwed & finding patterns

Why is it I always seem to want to start fresh (eating cleaner) when I just stocked my kitchen with some sort of food crap?
Tonight I actually sent my hubby out for Runts and apple fritters.  Ya, I did that.  Me who complains how much weight I’ve gained since my baby has arrived.  I am denied the chocolate and ice cream I really want due to breastfeeding diet restrictions and have decided candy (which I normally don’t like) & baked goods (anything but cookies) will fill the void.
But now all I can think about is moving on, starting over, and clearing my body of bad food choices tomorrow.
I swear I always do this.  Usually it’s when I have just ordered Chinese food which always has leftovers that last me three days.  I am a person who just cannot waste food – even for a good reason.  I can’t just toss perfectly safe food away in the trash – it goes against every fiber of my being.  So there I am, haunted by leftovers I don’t want to waste and stuck trying to include them in my fresh start which inevitably opens the flood gates to let in other foods I don’t need to be eating.
This is a pattern of mine (when I’m not in the right frame of mind, which clearly I am NOT these days) and it got me thinking of WHY I do this.
I came up with the following reasons:
1) I want to start over when I have crap food in the house so that when I fail, I already have an excuse built-in
2) It takes such food being brought back into the house to hit me how bad things are and therefore triggers my need for cleaner behavior
3) A combo of both of these

Ya, I’m thinking it’s number three.

And I still wish it were as easy as it used to be (it was easy then?  Sure…) to just start fresh and eat all the clean food options I have frequented over the last few years… but these damn restrictions…

I also have 2 bigger factors standing in my way of weight loss currently:
1) I am in a constant state of exhaustion because I am denied a decent amount of sleep because of my darling baby.  So this triggers my brain to tell me to eat for energy instead and I end up consuming way more calories that I should and my mental capacity is diminished for effort to make better choices or even think of them at the time I’m in the kitchen looking for something quick to munch before my baby needs me again

2) Due to the overeating from lack of sleep, I have seriously enlarged my stomach.  It scares me the quantity of food I can put down and still not remotely feel full.  How the fuck do I shrink my stomach when my tired brain triggers me to need energy from food and keeps filling it?

It is always tricky business shrinking a belly in a way that doesn’t make your metabolism think you are starving.  This would be difficult if I had no other distractions, restrictions or sleep complications, let alone when I do.

I feel really screwed right now.

This is what I feel shackled to...

This is what I feel shackled to…

In 3 weeks my brother and his family are visiting.  I haven’t seen them in person in a couple years due to how far away we live from each other.  I was really looking forward to them seeing a smaller, healthier me.  I am mortified to look the way I do… like I haven’t accomplished a damn thing for my health since the last time they saw me which isn’t true at all.

I can only hope all eyes will be on my beautiful daughter and not her mommy.  Ugh.

Therein lies probably yet another reason I felt the drive to start fresh again.

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About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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