Downward Spiral

I seriously need to get my s#it together.  Things are not heading in the right direction and it’s especially hard when I have some really extra good excuses for why I’m not exercising enough or not always eating well.  Excuses are the enemy and for me make it even harder to cut the crap and start treating my body better.

My big really good excuse?  My now 10 week old baby girl.  Yes, there are legitimate times I’m starving and don’t have hands free because she’s having a ‘needy’ day and have to eat ‘grab and go’ food which usually is processed, prepackaged stuff.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – it’s darn near impossible to eat a banana one-handed!  How about the other healthy snacks I love like pistachios & peanuts IN THE SHELL… also impossible one-handed (or even when I have 2 hands while breastfeeding, these are messy snacks and her head/body are where I’d normally be cracking into them).  And if I buy/eat already shelled nuts I usually have too many which brings me right back to eating the wrong stuff or too much of even the good stuff… both those issues equal the same conclusion:  me not losing weight… and even worse, me gaining weight.

Yeah, I so did not reach my weight target for Monday’s weigh-in… not even close.  In fact I was over a pound higher than this year’s start weight. 😦  Doh. (But at least I’m still over 4 lbs less than that high weight I hit just before my bout with food poisoning.)

My biggest downfall right now is dessert.  I am the cookie monster.  It started back in December when we were given holiday cookies as well as making our own.  They were such an easy, tasty, easy to eat treat I could grab quickly before sitting down to breastfeed and I’ve never quit the habit (well except when I got the food poisoning… it was the clean slate I needed… so you are probably wondering how I ended back up with a cookie habit… well, I blame my in-laws who brought two big bags of their irresistible holiday cookies during their visit two weekends ago and I started all over again.  Blerg.)  I’ve tried at least 3 times so far to quit the habit and when I don’t have cookies I make my own or make brownies to fill the void.  Oy.
Over the weekend we were at Sam’s Club and I couldn’t resist the huge platter of multi-variety cookies.  Yup, I bought that.
Normal headed me would look at that and think “yuck” and think of all that sugar and fat.  Breastfeeding cookie monster me says “hell yeah!”
I just can’t seem to help myself!!!  Argh.

Time to gain back control… stop the cookies, brownies (and yes, even cake too!) and substitute for some sugarfree gum, pudding or Jell-o until I can stop the need for dessert all together.

Two factors not helping are that there has been more than one occasion I was by myself, stuck breastfeeding and sudden hunger comes on.  I sit there thinking about what I could eat and get hungrier and hungrier so that by the time my daughter is done munching, I start munching and find it hard to stop.  Weeks of this and I must have seriously enlarged my stomach size because since my baby’s birth, I haven’t felt full… not even once.  I’ve never felt so much hunger in my life and it scares me the amount of food I can eat now and not feel stuffed!
We recently discovered Jersey Mike’s subs and I ordered the huge one (it’s about 15 inches long).  At first I could only eat half and that was plenty.  Now, I can eat the entire thing and KEEP EATING and still not feel stuffed or even full!  Holy cow that’s an endless pit…er… big stomach.  So not only am I eating the wrong things, I’m overeating and have to go about the hard task of shrinking my stomach without starving myself.  Crap.

What my eating is now is mostly just a bad habit… I realize that.  I find that once I have dessert 2-3 nights in a row, my body physiologically demands that I keep that behavior going.  You may think that is the biggest crock of s#it you’ve ever heard, but trust me, they’ve done studies on it… sugar is a substance that can start an addiction and yes, your body will “crave” it after you’ve started the habit of having it daily.

So it’s time to wean myself.  My body can’t take it anymore and neither can my scale.

And then there is exercise.  I could be getting more, even if it’s in the form of house cleaning.  I can forgive myself the time I spend napping while my baby naps (because sometimes she only gives me 2 consecutive hours of sleep at night) but then there are the times she naps and I’m awake.  What do I do with my time?  Eat and watch tv/do stuff on my laptop and eat and eat some more.

I think this habit started because I had to take what hands free time I had to stuff myself for the next “awake baby shift” because I never knew when I’d have the time again.  I was like a camel drinking up water before a long trek in the desert except in my case, it was food.
Now that my baby is slightly less demanding and for now we are on a more normal schedule and she’s ever so much more capable of sitting strapped in a bouncy baby seat while I do stuff, I really don’t have the same circumstances anymore and I need to adjust.

Just the other day instead of sitting on my ass eating while she napped, I finally put away the rest of the Christmas decorations (yeah, some were still up… don’t judge) as well as managed some general cleaning up.
I felt really good about myself for getting something done that was productive while being the only parent on duty.
My back ached like a mother by the end of the night however (breasts full of milk are *that* much heavier to carry around in addition to my already large breasts to begin with).  But this is a price to pay for being on my feet and more active.
I also got to go take a 5K walk with my sister at the state park over the weekend.  I hadn’t been able to do that since last spring.  It felt great to be out in the fresh air and have some adult time and exercise.

But all this activity means diddly when I eat like crap. Unlike some, I won’t complain about not getting anywhere when I work my butt off but then eat crap… I actually realize one undoes the other.  And in my case, one out does the other.

Wow… I started this post days ago.  My baby girl has been out of sorts and a bit more demanding of my time these past few days, so per usual it takes me about three times longer to finish a task than pre-baby.
She’s lucky she’s so damn cute.  Those smiles she gives me are what make it all worth it.  Just tonight I got this smile:

Kolby smile 02Feb2013

Not 2 minutes later she was screaming her head off!  Eh… what can ya do?  Yet amazingly things are so much better than they were.

Now I’m in my familiar process of waiting her out to see if she’s down for the night and I thought I’d finally finish and publish this post.

Some other updates since I started this post:
More walking!  It’s become a new tradition to take a family walk (me, baby & my son Gavin and sometimes hubby) after dinner.  This has been helping me with my miles challenge.

Speaking of which, I accomplished my January miles challenge of 10 miles!  I finished 10.84 miles… so just by the skin of my teeth.  It was VERY hard to accomplish any miles at all in the beginning of the month, but my baby girl finally landed on a less nocturnal schedule and mommy finally had the energy to get out and walk.  It really helps and motivates me when my family can join me.

I’m going to go to the park again with my sister tomorrow for another 5K.  I upped February’s miles challenge goal to 15 miles.
If I blow it out of the park this month, I will definitely challenge myself a bit more for March.  I’m curious to see if our new family walks will stick or if I’m back to being on my own.

Hmm… what else?  Oh, the scale went up more, but then has started to decrease… still nowhere near where I wanted to be right now, but I’m taking baby steps.
I went back to having a green drink about every other day and instead of pouring myself a bag of chips to eat while breastfeeding I actually got some carrots and celery sticks to munch on.  Even though I had them with a ranch/Greek dressing combo dip, that still has be better for me than chips!
One thing I’ve been lacking is enough plain old water.  I really need to up the amount I drink and that is one of my baby steps to improving my health currently.  It is especially important for breast milk production as well.

Oh, and I didn’t buy cookies at the grocery store this afternoon!!!  Wee!  All of those other cookies we bought at Sam’s are GONE.  Hooray!  No more for me!  I will not bake any… I will not bake any… I will not bake any…
I’m even being rather good for Super Bowl Sunday tomorrow.  Because of baby’s sensitivities, I cannot eat many of the things I would normally indulge in for this occasion:  salsa, queso dip, BBQ sauce, sour cream, ice cream cake… (nothing spicy, no onions, no dairy)
I’m left with guacamole (sans onions), plain tortilla chips and chicken wings without sauce.  I ended up getting myself an actual artichoke to rip off each leaf and dip in some clarified butter (baby is OK with me eating butter plus I’m separating out the milk solids anyway) instead of even bothering with the tortilla chips.  This is certainly a first for this event as I never had such restrictions for breastfeeding my son at this time 7 years ago – he didn’t have sensitivities to anything!
Think of all the calories I will save myself without all the chips, dip and ice cream cake!

Not that this will save my weigh-in for Monday… but I’ll get there.  I’m sure one or some of these weeks I’ll manage much more than a 1 lb loss and catch back up.
I never give up hope or determination.  I am Gwenacious (Gwen + tenacious). 🙂

About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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