Default Behavior

This is the day I would normally give up and give in (and by “give up” I mean for the next hour, couple hours or at worst, the whole day, but not more than that).  I honestly don’t know how the day is going to play out, but given the circumstances, I can honestly admit that conditions are so that normally (over the course of the year and a half of improving myself) I would allow what I will now refer to as a “default day”.
We all have our default… our authentic selves or at least the us we resort to under pressure, under stress or maybe just when no one is looking and the times we aren’t actively trying to improve ourselves.
My default is to be a lazy couch potato and overeat.  I don’t “want” for exercise, or want to clean up my home or leave the house or even get up off the couch for anything.  I am chill… I watch TV, movies, play on my computer… and do nothing.  That is default me (aka the worst version of myself).
I have taken great strides to changing my default… well, at least landing somewhere between default and my ideal, healthy self.  There have been times I felt stressed or moody and actually wanted to take a walk or was about to make very poor food decisions because of a mood and was aware enough to talk myself out of it.  Those are big improvements in my life towards altering my default, but then there are still those days I just let myself have “off”.
I try not to go nuts and combine laziness with poor food choices, but I do allow myself these days… and they usually are just a day, not a week, not a month and certainly not a year or years (anymore).  I start fresh and back to healthier choices the next day after having indulged the previous one.
Ultimately I realize this is part of why I only lost 40 lbs in a year.  It is a process and it’s slow but I’m also really learning some lessons this time and have far more control than I’ve ever had.

So why would I normally “quit” today?  Well, yesterday on the 5th day of my experiment of eating more frequently, I had a weight gain.  I went up by .6 of a pound.  Certainly not the end of the world and usually wouldn’t phase me too much and I wrote it off as being the result of having a saltier dinner than normal and maybe it was just some temporary water weight.  So I stayed strong yesterday and ate an amazing 11 small meals!   My most before that was 9 meals, so wow… that was a first.  What is most amazing is that my calories were less than 1830, so that averages to 166 calories per meal… not too shabby.
So with staying strong and a day like that, I will admit my hopes were a bit high for a loss this morning.  But no… the scale said exactly what it did yesterday… not one little ounce of a change.

Now normally I wouldn’t let this bum me out (as it has also been a part of my process to use the scale just as a tool, not as a barometer for my daily mood) but there’s that nagging factor that is making it so…

I’m in the middle of trying something “new”.  Whenever you start something new, everything feels fresh and hopeful again (I’ve referred to this before as giving myself a gimmick just to re-invigorate and re-inspire myself).  It could be a new diet plan by some celebrity, a new workout routine, a new food program – something that you haven’t tried before (and therefore had never failed at).  And because of this, your expectations (or at least mine) tend to build up and get a bit higher, perhaps unrealistic just because it’s “new” and different and could be the miracle you were hoping for!  And certainly, the LAST thing you expect is to have your wonderful results halt as soon as Day 5.
Because I’m on day 6 of my “experiment” and I wanted to log every detail of at least the first full 7 days and share my results, I of course would like to have the best results possible and exclaim with happiness “see, its working!”  And I’m sure it is… at the very least this method of eating has to be beneficial for keeping my blood sugars more stable throughout the day.  I certainly don’t want to be experiencing the evil “P” word (plateau) at this stage of the game.  So I can’t help but get a little bummed I’m no longer getting the results I did for the first 4 days.
Another factor that has me more frustrated at seeing the same weight on the scale than I’d normally be is that I still haven’t managed to get back down to my lowest achieved weight on this journey.  It is just 1.4 lbs away and mocking me.  It’s one thing to experience a weight standstill on a new low weight where you hadn’t been before (or in a long time), it’s a whole other thing to have seen it again and again recently and know you’re STILL trying to repair the latest gain.
Oh, and then there is the factor of the numbers game.  Here’s where it is proof it is not just “calories in, calories out”…  I ate less than my BMR yesterday in addition to burning extra calories exercising.  No way in just the numbers game alone should I have weighed the same this morning.  No way.  Just saying.

I know I’ll get there… and certainly staying on track and not letting myself have a default day would help me get there sooner.
So I’ll tell myself what I would tell anyone else complaining of disappointing results… stick with it, your hard work will catch up with your body and show eventually.  Drink more water and make sure your calories aren’t too low.  Keep at it.  Giving up now will only ensure you won’t see the results you want.

This, and the fact that I’m meticulously writing everything down for my experiment has me leaning toward staying the course and not allowing the negative default to take over.

The good news is that from last Monday to yesterday, I was down 5.8 lbs and that as of Day 5 of my experiment, I’m down 4 lbs.  Seriously, what the hell am I complaining about???


About gwenacious

Always a person in progress. On a mission of self-improvement and exploring my artistic side.
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